I Wanna See.

As teenagers, our sense of curiosity is heightened about 80 percent.
We are constantly trying to explore, and absorb knowledge, experience. It’s just our instinct. This is the age we are given an increased amount of freedom to roam and discover. And of course, since we over indulge in everything, why would we stop ourselves with anything?
We do it with places, friends, foods, parties, you name it.
But the downside to being an adolescent; we are the most masochistic beings on the planet.
Especially when it comes to significant others.

I'm attracted to men who always seem to have this internal conflict with themselves.
Guys who are constantly thinking, drawing their eyebrows together, in a pensive state when no one is looking.
They are always having a battle inside of them, which, to me is irresistible.
And I know I’m not alone. Whether it's not knowing who they are, what they want, who they like, there is something about them that draws us to the troubled souls.
It's our giving nature, our selflessness that just takes over our being and sends our morals to the corner for time out.
There's just something about observing those who have something hidden deep inside the depths of their distressed minds that just sucks us in, in a matter of seconds.

Freakin Venus fly traps, I'm telling you.

However, 99% of the time, this could be fatal.
It’s like putting the most giving and curious person in the world, and a person who just wants to be left alone to find themselves, together in a room to play.
It’ll most likely end in explosions and chaos.

But how can we tell?
We're just trying to explore. After all, we are young and willing to find things out.
But curiosity just fogs up our lenses, until our vision is so blurred we can't even see what we're doing in front of our faces anymore.
We search and search, until we find ourselves not even looking at the person before our eyes, but seeing through their flesh and into the combat inside their bodies. And I think that is what attaches us; the fact that we get so close to their real selves that it’s too far to turn back.

And we know it's bad for us, of course we know. We're teenagers, not babies.
But like most things that are not good for us, we do them simply to acquire a hint excitement in our dreadful lives that seem to be excruciatingly dull.
The whole "journey to the middle of their souls" is what gives us the thrill. It’s like unwrapping one of those presents that have so much paper, you can never seem to finish tearing up.

Then again, it could be our masochistic selves just taking another jab at our hearts.

I mean, isn't it? Stop me if I'm rambling (too late), but as teenagers it seems as though we always find a way to screw things up for ourselves without even knowing it. The countless “this would happen to me” ‘s or the “I knew it” ‘s, it is like they never end, even though we see it coming. Somehow deep inside of us, we know that this will eventually turn out to be horrible. But like I said, we love to send our consciousness to the back of our heads to shut up so we can have some fun.

And in the end, we always just hit ourselves in the head and repeat how stupid we are, then do it all over again when we see the guy across us dazing off into the darkness of his mind.

But I'm Just A Kid...

Boom Boom Bang, I got the fire.

I’ve recently fallen in love with Ke$ha. I think it might be because she sounds like she’s wasted while she speaks. Even though she’s not.

And I kind of admire those people who aren’t afraid to show they’re damaged.
People like Courtney Love or …I don’t know, Amy Winehouse. You know; screw ups.
Because they don’t cover up their vulnerability like most of us do. They don’t put some tough armor on and doubt every accusation they receive.
They simply say, “Here I am, I’m messed up. I’m a drunk. Don’t feel like hiding it.” And I truly admire their brave souls.

It is hard to show who we really are. One of the reasons being we’re so afraid of judgment. One of our biggest fears is being conceived as someone we are not. Having our soul out in the open for everyone to glare at and look into and make up what they want to.
So, we shield ourselves. Something we learned when we were merely tots. When that kid called us a “nose picker” or “infested with cooties”.
We automatically went into this state. Going into our own selves and staying there because it felt safe.
That’s what we believed was the right thing to do. After all, it is our body’s natural response.

When we get older, we resort to things that make us feel better. Good and bad.
Drinking, drugs, food, they’re all things that make us feel protected. Like our soul is buried so far deep that we can’t even see it ourselves. So nobody else can see it right?
It’s weird, huh? Things we obtain as children that we carry around with us forever?
I mean, it’s all about the foundation.
If a kid doesn’t have a good ground, they have nothing. You can’t teach someone manners, or that “sharing is caring” at eighteen. Our brains are pretty much done molding by then. It’s simply finished. And everything we have collected has been stored. So we just do it. Either out of habit or just unconsciously.

Gimme boom boom bang.

The thing about us is that we never do grow up. I mean, we take responsibility for ourselves eventually, but do we ever wake up in a business suit, or to find we’re three times our size?
It’s all a gradual process that is…fairly hard.
Hell, some people don’t even grow up.
Yea, we’ve all seen those adults who are…children. Obnoxious and immature, those who empower you by yelling. Those are things children do. And those are people who have not gone through the process of becoming an adult.
Adult. The word is so dull isn’t it? So…black and white. The word “kid” is colorful…joyful.
Why is that anyway?

Is it really true that childhood is better than adulthood?
Sure, we get to nap and eat whatever we want and not gain weight, but if you think about it; we barely had freedom.
Hell we couldn’t even go to the bathroom without someone holding our hand. We couldn’t move two feet away from our parents in crowded places. And some kids are even attached to leeches now.
…I know.

And we longed for that freedom. All we wanted to do was wear our own heels and dresses and go out and watch as much TV as we wanted and eat as much McDonald’s as possible.
But now…we want to go back to the old days where people were changing our diapers and feeding us goo with a spoon.

And there we go again, going back into ourselves, reflecting, and trying to protect our fragile souls from growing up and getting hit.

Boom boom bang, boom boom boom bang.

Mad World.

I think intelligence is probably the most attractive feature someone can have. There really isn't anything sexier than a big brain.

I don’t understand how some people can be fine with just the looks. Just the perfect hair and six pack. They’re completely okay being left with the dull, empty space between their partner’s ears and nothing else inside but air. The conversations about nothing, the small constant wish inside them that they could have an intellectual discussion with their loved one every once in a while. How can they just live with it?

Brains to me are beautiful. I don’t look at someone and think “they’re pretty” or “they’re ugly”. I always wait until they open their mouths and fill my ears with their knowledge and personality. Or lack of.

Then they’re pretty. Or…not.
I know I'm not the only one who thinks a boy with no sense of intellect is completely unattractive.
..I hope I'm not.

The six pack, the muscles, the nice smile- it all goes away with time.
The brain is the one to go last.
That’s something I always like to remind myself.

There are too many guys with big heads.
Too many good looking men that simply don’t see anyone else around them. Sometimes literally.
I blame the girls who throw themselves at them. Come on women, have some dignity. At least it'll bring them back to Earth for a little.

I mean, do "cute" guys get that much, that they can’t even acknowledge someone who’s not unzipping their pants?
It’s insane. Good looking guys are simply un…approachable to most people.
To me- they’re just un…attractive.

Looks are mostly just an excuse to judge someone.
Just an excuse to say “what a cute couple” or “he’s too good for her”. How would people know unless they actually got to know both of them? Just by watching from outside the bubble?
And it's unbelievable what superficial things like this do to us.
Self consciousness, eating disorders, mental instability.
Just because of the way you look. Because of the way your body was made.
It’s disgusting what something as surfaced as the way your face happened to be arranged, is what really matters in this world nowadays.

There are even websites in which you must be “beautiful” to stay on it. If you’re not “pretty” enough, or what society believes is “pretty”, you get kicked off the site. Why? Cause nobody cares about your personality. Just about how big your tits are.

Like they say; It’s a mad world.
…Maybe a little too mad.

I heard from somebody today, that 99% of what we see is just fabricated by our government.
As in- we never see the truth. As in- we could be living in some constructed fairytale.
...Nightmare*

Being born into a lie, and dying with just the knowledge of misleading nothings, can you believe that?
Being told that all I know is…manufactured, took me by surprise. It’s one of those things you keep far in the back or your mind, but don’t really acknowledge until it’s mentioned. And when it is... you just say "oh wow."

For all we know, we could be hooked up to machines in a lab somewhere in space. Being controlled by stiffs in lab coats.
And why do we have so many unsolved mysteries? Why don’t we revolt, and get mass groups of people to question the government’s actions every second of the day until our questions are answered?

Because people simply…leave it alone.
After all, we’ve been told our whole lives that ignorance is bliss.

Maybe that was just a lie too.

Withdrawl Symptoms of a Newlywed.

Can you believe how attached we become to some things? 
To some people?
How much we begin to love something so much we crave it constantly?

What a lot of people don't notice is that another synonym for love is need. 
Wanting someone so bad that you would do anything just to get a glimpse of their smile.
Needing that embrace, their scent, or even their voice in your presence right then and there to make you feel on top of the world. 
Soon enough the need becomes so strong, you don't even feel the same without them.
As if they're they only ones who occupy your mind. Your dreams. 
Knowing that they would be the only thing to make you feel better.
You just...need it. You need them.

Kinda sounds like a drug, doesn't it?
It's weird.
Like I said- love is a drug.
It's some kind of weird mystery that one can only know, if they try it.  
You get one taste and you crave it forever.
You never try, and curiosity just embodies you.
It's hard to think rationally when you've only got it in your system.

Eh it's dumb.
There's no concrete definition for love anyway. Every single person wants, feels, and gives love differently.

I don't get people who have the nerve to tell you you're not in love.
Why aren't you, because it doesn't match their description?
It shouldn't. Why would we even want our love to be the same as everyone else's anyway?

But enough of this love crap.

My hair's getting long.
I feel like rapunzel. Considering my hair was up to my ears a year ago.
It's the Florida humidity.

Isn't it scary how our appearance changes so quickly?
Well, they say these are the years our looks form and mold the most.
That's why it's the hardest. 
We don't look the same as we did a year ago. Or even 6 months ago.
This is what contributes to our "teenage identity crisis."
The whole "you're still finding out who you are."
Maybe I just want to be sure already.
I know I'm sick of considering who to be everyday.
Hell, there's a million directions this could go.

We all dislike that paniked feeling, wondering if you'll ever figure out who you actually are. Who you're meant to be.
Apparently it all falls into place in our 17's. For girls at least.
We all know it takes longer for guys to mature. They won't stop changing until they hit 20.
I know right? What a drag.
Yep, they'll still be unstable and confused for a long while.

Well how can we blame them? It's not like as girls we ever know what we want. One second we're happy, the next we're having the worst day, then all of a sudden we need chocolate.
All guys need, is video games and beer.
And us of course.
We provide most of their entertainment and cause of thought process.
What would they do without our mind games?

The thing they don't know is that most of the time, we don't even do it on purpose. We don't realize we torture them mentally.
It's like toying with them is built into us, and we only use it when we need to. 
Most of us don't enjoy it, although it is sometimes nessesary.

We're a rather complicated species.
And I think guys aren't as simple as we like to think they are.
Think about it; they've got all the pressure.

It's hard to be a guy. They have to act like what is socially acceptable.
(sigh) blame society.

A guy has to carry his family name, he has to have a bunch of kids and marry, and then he has to provide for that family.
A man without a job, isn't acceptable to themselves. It never was. Even with women making the money nowadays,  a man would still feel shameful without at least contributing to some of the funds. 

Then again being a woman sure isn't easy. I think everyone knows that.
Especially with all the PMS rants we have about how hard it is to be a girl.
We have to give birth, take care of the kids, go through pain every single month. We have to look good, in order to be approachable. We have to go through terrible mood swings that attack at the worst times. 

It's tough being human, isn't it?
Sometimes I just wish I could be a cat.
I'd eat, sleep, explore. Every single day of my life would just consist of those three things which seem to be euphoric to teenagers.
And all I would have to worry about would be which lizard I'd be chasing that day.
No boy problems, no mood swings, no identity crisis. Just lizards.

 

Jump In, The Water's Fine.

Change is good.
…sometimes.
Well, most of the time.
It really all depends on whether you want it or not.
There can be change you cannot control, change you have to just go along with.
Or there can be the change that you conduct, for your own good.
Either way, it’s all a scary process.
First you decide on impulse. “yes. I need to do this. Let’s do it now.”
Or it could be, “let’s just get it over with. Like a bandaid.”
You just want to jump into it and not look back.

Then of course, there’s the thinking. All these thoughts come in that you don’t want in your head.
“Should I really do it? Do I really want to? Oh, god I don’t wanna do this…”
And your head just becomes this mashup of uncertainty that you wish you could just get rid of.
Then you spend days comparing how your life would be; better or worse. And those thoughts are still there bothering that part of you that wishes they could just go through with it.
But in this jumble of disorder and doubt in our heads, there’s that tiny voice.
Our “pusher” that says, JUST DO IT ALREADY.
Little by little the nagging ones disappear and your mind simply tells you to go for it.

So, like all situations we’re scared in, we just close our eyes and hold our breath.
Kind of like…walking into the fire.
We go towards the change in hopes that life will be better, more improved than what we had before.
You tell yourself you must do it for your own sake; nobody else’s.
The constant reminder of your own happiness comes to mind every time you stray from it.
And of course there are the people who tell you to go for it, and those who tell you your life is fine the way it is.
Which of course, ignites the chaos once again.
And our mind just won’t shut up until we finally look up, clench our jaw, and take our first painful step into those crackling flames.

Gimme Some.

Last night at 4 in the morning, I was dumped via text message.

Eh, maybe not "dumped".

But I'm not ashamed to admit that a certain someone simply didn't want me anymore. 
Even though I was "all they needed" a day ago.
But hey, I'm a teenager. It happens.
People lie, or change their minds, or want other things.
Can we blame them?
...yes.

 
Cried until 6 in the morning, then finally managed to fall asleep.
But you know what? 
I feel fine. 

Instead of spending my day in my room crying, being miserable, and eating my way to "happiness", I spent my day volunteering for Haiti relief.
From the minute I woke up, I spent the day packing clothes and shoes and medicine and blankets- you name it- into garbage bags to send off to people who actually need it a hell of a lot more than I do.
People whose problems are one million times worse than any of mine.

We drove to the American Airlines Arena and unloaded a moving van filled with medical supplies and clothes and canned food. And water- so much water.
I can't even describe the feeling you get when you see a room invaded with an incredible amount of supplies to send to people who really need them. It's amazing.
Remember what I said about feeling better when you spend your time giving?
I don't feel an ounce of sadness or pain. 
....right now.
But it really is true. When you devote your time to giving to people with problems, yours seem to disappear. They seem...tiny.
And it's a great feeling. Knowing that what you're doing will make others happy and well.
It's enough to soothe the soul.
Now when I feel like crying, I just wanna buy a bunch of canned food and give it to the poor, or help out at a soup kitchen.

Seems like a healthy way to feel better to me.
I guess it seems selfish but at the same time, it's not. 

You should try it. You can trust me.
But you don't have to go through a breakup or have a bad day to volunteer, you should just do it. Because giving and helping others is the best form of satisfaction one can have. 
And you can quote me.

I can't wait for those supplies to be shipped out.
But enough of this world changing talk.

I like people who give rather than take.
They seem so much...happier for some reason. So much lighter.
People who just take without giving in return are miserable. As if they're never pleased. 
I've dealt with people who would barely give to anybody- whether it was emotionally or physically- and they were never satisfied. 
Neither were their partners.
Take this note- if someone is asking you to give more, listen. Because they're probably right. 
Unless you've run out of money by pampering them or you can't function due to the excessive amounts of attention you've devoted to them.
Then they're just crazy.
...and you could be too.
 
Okay now I'm just babbling.
It's the coping Davina.
She's trying to make herself feel better by telling you ways to make yourself feel better.
But no need to worry about me; I'm fine. I'm always fine.
And if I'm not- I'll just keep telling myself I am until it actually comes true.
....now where's the nearest soup kitchen?

Honestly.

The truth hurts. We all know it does.
But we grew up thinking it was right to tell the truth; to never lie. I mean, our biggest fear was to end up like the little boy who cried wolf, right?
So…why do people become so upset when you tell them the truth about themselves? Why do friends become mad when you tell them their boyfriend is cheating on them, or you don’t like their new style?
Aren’t you supposed to do that? Supposed to tell the truth like you were taught to?

Nobody wants to hear the truth about themselves. One of the reasons being: we already know. We recognize our flaws; physical and mental. Hell, we know ourselves better than anyone. We spent our whole lives with ourselves.
But if we know the truth, why do we hate when someone reminds us we’re selfish or our outfit doesn’t look so great if we already are aware of it?

Well we all have that little place inside us. The spot in our heart where all of our insecurities, fears, and hate for things we do ourselves, hide. There’s something about other people reminding us of them that just hits it hard.
We try to leave that place alone. Sure we acknowledge it, but we wouldn’t visit it everyday.

There are good truths of course; whether your hair looks nice, whether you lost weight, stuff like that, that touches our happy place. That tiny, tiny place in our heart that keeps all the things we actually like about ourselves.
Even if it’s only one or two things.
Why is it that we feel so good and confident during the rest of the day when we hear we look cute? And why do we feel so horrible and introverted when we’re told we look weird without any makeup on?
It’s those little darts that hit our targets of confidence- and insecurity. And having other people affirm the things we hide deep inside the depths of our souls, honestly just makes us vulnerable. Like our soul is suddenly bare and on a silver platter for everyone to dissect.
When we’re reminded of the good things, we like our soul to open up. We want people to see all the good things we think we are capable of being. Suddenly we say inside “well…there are other good things about me, right?” And we notice our head is held a little bit higher when we walk the halls.


But back to lying.
For some reason as we grow up, we begin to learn that sometimes lying can “protect” people.
“I didn’t tell you about your cheating boyfriend because I didn’t want you to get sad. I was just trying to prevent you from getting hurt.”
“I told you I had a family thing because I didn’t want you to feel bad that I had another party to go to.”

It’s like suddenly, everything we learned about lying and its horrible outcomes, just disappears.
Suddenly it’s okay to lie because you’re preventing pain. But in the end, aren’t we just causing it?
“White Lies” as we call them.
We even have a name for lying with “exceptions.

Of course- being humans- we use the lessons we are taught since day one. Sharing is caring, violence is wrong, don’t eat paste. We grew up to think lying wasn’t okay. And that we’d be devoured by a wolf if we did it.
So we walk around as kids, calling overweight people fat, and ugly people ugly. Because- that was the truth. And we did what we were told was right to do.
But as we grew older, it suddenly became totally outrageous to say those things to people.
All because the hard truth hurts.
And that’s what they should teach us when we’re merely tikes. It’ll definitely save a lot of confusion and trouble, I’ll tell you that.

There’s also that whole “just kidding” phrase, which, come on, is basically used to cancel out a true statement or make it seem less harsh; like you really didn’t mean it.
“Yeah? Well your hair is weird. …just kidding, just kidding!”
And sometimes we don’t even remember what people say after that phrase is said!
It’s like it’s completely erased from our minds within thirty seconds just because they said those two words which really mean, “that’s not the truth” or “I didn’t really mean it.”

But truth and lying will always be one of those weird unsolved theories that we can’t figure out. They will always have exceptions and certain circumstances. Lying isn’t okay, yet sometimes it is, and telling the truth is okay, even though sometimes it isn’t.
Doesn’t make much sense does it?

Then again why should things make sense?
After all, things are more fun when they don’t.

We all need complicated things to keep us busy with our boring lives.

…Just kidding.