Figure It Out.

A broken road.
Just one long, cracked, strip of asphalt ahead and nothing else beside me. There is nobody in front of me, and no one behind following me into the odd mystery in which I am dazily journeying to.

It’s hot. Man, it’s hot. Yet, I’m wearing a bunch of clothes, so many sweaters around my shoulders and articles wrapped around my head. I can barely see through the thick fabric, or smell, or breathe. I’m just walking…wandering.
I see headlights. I hear the sound of a car passing by, the tires hitting the cold pavement as they drive right beside me. I try to look, to see who it could be, someone to the rescue?
My eyes squint and force, but I simply cannot follow the direction of the stranger; I can’t make out where it’s going, where it came from.

Which way I’ve turned now, I have no idea. For all I know, I could be walking back the same way I came. But who’s to say where I’m going anyway? My direction is probably heading towards the same place I’ve been wandering to this whole time. I can’t help but notice the drop in temperature.
Man, it is freezing. I begin to shiver, to rub my hands together and breathe hot air into them as if it would take the pain away from my limbs that were turning into icicles. Maybe I should just keep walking, it will get warmer again…
I suddenly feel someone grab onto my legs, I turn around to find who is latching onto me with such need and desire, such miserable sadness that they need me of all people to save them from their darkness. But my vision is impaired, my sense of direction completely off track, the coldness turning me numb.
My heart beat quickens and my mind races, not knowing what to do, where to go. My throat closes in panic; I try to breathe but cannot get the sweet oxygen into my body.
And I attempt to run, to try to get to my sweet destination quicker and finally have the satisfaction of being able to breathe and feel, but stop in my tracks when I notice I shouldn’t be running when I can’t even see.

Me, Me, Me.

Selfishness. One of the worst and best attributes to have in life.
Why selfishness is perceived to be awful is understandable. Whether it’s that you don’t share anything with anyone, or you want everything to yourself for you to have; it does sound horrid, almost like you wouldn’t be someone people would want to be around.

But at the same time, isn’t selfishness what keeps us healthy? I mean, where would we be if we never thought about our own selves? What condition would we be in if we were always thinking about others and their needs, and never about our own?
When we’re babies, we learn that we must think about other’s feelings. We should be “understanding” and “open minded”, and we should you know, share our toys, and not eat paste.
But what they left out in this lesson was that sometimes we actually hurt ourselves by not being selfish enough. By not listening to our needs and focusing so much on someone else’s, we could be ignoring our own feelings that really need to be heard for our own good.

I personally think it’s very strong of a person to be able to step back and look at what is good for them; not just wonder what is good for everyone else just because it’s “convenient” or just because they don’t want to “hurt” anyone. To be able to look at yourself and your needs is a very powerful action. And it means that you have enough respect and love for yourself to do so.
For example most people who are in abusive relationships and keep going back to their abusive spouses, people whose friends only put them down, people who let others talk to them however they feel; those are people who don’t have enough love for themselves to be a little selfish.

To just say “alright now what’s good for me, because I’m awesome and deserve the best” shows very strong character and judgment. Not to mention loads of confidence. And those people probably go further in life than most.
But yes darlings, it is impossible to be healthily selfish if you do not like yourself. And that’s…well…because you subconsciously set yourself up for disaster in attempt to punish yourself for being so “horrible” as you would put it in your own mind. Yep, and that’s all subconscious.

I like to study the human mind.

But that’s a whole other blog.

Of course listening to others is extremely important as well, I cannot stress that enough. Thinking of only yourself is the most horrible thing you can do. One needs to accept that there are many other people in this world and their needs are significant also. Besides, thinking that way is just a setup for loneliness and despair.

But back to my point.

We need to be selfish sometimes. It’s why we pay for doctor’s visits, why we do well in school; because we want to take care of ourselves, we care about our own lives.
Why people say it’s wrong when we do it in our everyday lives, astounds me. And they only really tell you that you’re being selfish when they want their feelings to be heard.

Yep, we all do it.

So as weird as it sounds…selfishness kind of makes the world go round.

Well This is Depressing...

Rope...That’s all I see, all I feel between my coarse hands. Just a single strand that I’m holding onto for dear life.

Just rope…

And darkness, man it’s dark in here. I can barely see anything except for the thick thread in front of my eyes. I try to climb it, but my limbs are weakened by indecision, my head spinning from confusion.

How did I end up here?
I look down to see a bottomless pit, I try to squint, make anything out from the shadows. I lift my head up to find that the darkness is simply surrounding me.
I suddenly feel my heart begin to pound louder and louder, faster, I hear it in my ears, I feel it throughout my entire body, the deafening unsteady rhythm striking within me like a drum.

It is now harder to breathe, harder to see, but I do not loosen my grip, I refuse to let go. I reject the idea of simply letting my hands ease up from the rough lifesaver that I’ve been clenching onto for so long.
The concept of just letting myself fall into the uncertainty that was waiting to envelop me frightened me. So I just shut my eyes and hoped that someone would eventually pull the rope and lead me to clarity.

But after waiting 5 days, no one came.
So I took a deep breath, counted to three, and simply...released my hands.


Hey look, I just made a metaphorical blog.