A Healing Individualist.

So I feel like writing today.
I’m in one of those moods.
Have you ever had that “20 ton weight lifted off your shoulders” feeling?
The feeling of freedom? Of no longer having your wings clipped, or your feet tied to the ground?
I must say it’s the most refreshing feeling. Kind of like you’re born again. And nothing can stop you.

I don’t feel dead anymore; that’s a plus. It was getting kind of irritating, not being able to feel. I guess I just had to acknowledge the empty hole inside me.
See I learned from a very wise man that the reason some people may lose their emotions is because they push the pain away. They ignore the emptiness that was hollowed inside them. Once you take a second to just feel it and know it’s there, it will start to heal.

In a weird way, it gives you comfort. Just thinking of it, whether it is in your stomach, your chest, your head, you instantly feel better…kind of stronger. Like knowing it’s there will make it heal and eventually disappear. Only when you acknowledge that its there is when you will eventually stop having the need to always fill it.
Very weird to understand, I know.

Love is getting so old. I’m beginning to think it doesn’t exist anymore. That it’s all some kind of sham that God, or whatever it is, is trying to pull on us. The minute we feel it, it disappears. It’s like we can only have a taste, a whiff, before it is scooped away from beneath us. The worst is figuring out it was never there in the first place. Finding out that it was all in your head, due to your distorted view on the person. And I certainly don’t get how love can “last forever”. These stupid “Twilight” movies are putting ideas into girls’ heads and telling them that love does last forever. And you’ll find someone as charming and handsome as that Cullen dude who will love you uncontrollably and protect you and always be there.
Everything dies; why should love be any different?

So I took a personality test and found out that I have a type 4 personality. The “Individualist”. We “strive to be unique” and “original”. Weirdd.

I’ve finally learned why I’m attracted to certain boys. Boys who are…not very stable. You could be attracted to someone because subconsciously, you see yourself in them. And we all know that’s the way you connect. You go for troubled twisted guys because it’s a reflection of your dark side. You go for positive happy boys because they’re a reflection of your bright side.

We are attracted to people who have qualities similar to ours, but qualities we wish were less…dormant. For instance, if you feel like your creative side lacks attention and isn’t that great, you might be attracted to someone artistic. If you feel like your passionate ambitious side needs to be stronger, you’ll be attracted to someone who possesses those traits. All because really we’re just subconsciously living through them. I know what you’re thinking, “how is that healthy?” You should live through yourself right?

Well it’s really all subconscious. Nobody really knows they want to live through someone. And most of time if we are comfortable with ourselves, we wont. People who don’t really like themselves find themselves in situations where they are always attached to a person are those who will find someone to live through. Because they hate being alone. Why would they want to spend time with their dreaded selves?

Anyways, I’m healing. I think I’m finally on the fifth stage of grief; acceptance. Feels good to be finished with it. Isn’t that what life is about? Getting hurt and moving on? We’re gonna get hurt a lot more than we intend to be. The only part we can control is how to mend our hearts back to normal, and nurse our soul back to health.

I'm Breaking...?

Today I feel dead.

But not the good kind. Not the kind where you feel like everything is a dream and no one is real. Not like you’re floating on a cloud. But the kind where you don’t really feel anything at all. You don’t hear anyone anymore; you don’t see anything in front of you. Everything just goes right by your head and you don’t even notice it.

You become apathetic, uninterested. In pretty much everything around you.
You make decisions that are “in the moment” and not thought of. All because deep down you just want to feel alive again. And you just hope whatever you do will bring you back to life.

This feeling of being lifeless mostly occurs when something bad happens.
It’s hidden in the five stages of grief.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
I don’t really know where it fits in, but I’m pretty sure it does. Either in the very beginning, or before acceptance. Or after acceptance. Eh I guess it’s different for everyone.

Have you ever had to make a really big decision you really didn’t want to make but had to cause you knew it was right?
….(sigh) welcome to adulthood my friend. You’ll be seeing a lot of that.
The worst part is that the five stages of grief all apply even in these situations.
You’ll deny that you have to make the decision, then be angry you did make that decision, try to bargain and get yourself back into not making the decision, then become sad because you ended up doing it. And eventually you just accept it.
Happens with everything. It’s quite scary what these psychologists gather up, isn’t it?

Haven’t you ever felt it before? I can’t be alone here. I think I’m on the fourth one, on the verge of the fifth. Not feeling sorry for myself but just feeling…dead. Maybe this lifeless feeling is just getting in the way of me even feeling all these stages.
See feeling dead comes by when you’ve given up. When everything kind of stops and you say, “you know what? I’m exhausted.”
It shows up that week you’ve been piled with work, and your relationship just isn’t working out, and your home life is hard. It sneaks its way into your soul and just takes over. Kind of like a cartoon. A grey entity that slowly envelops your red heart.

Then again, that’s how death really is.
This is kind of scaring me.
I’m not making any sense.


I’d really love to talk about this whole “Adam Lambert Gay Controversy Nonsense Publicity Stunt Ruining Career Although Nobody Really Cares” situation.
Gays are suddenly becoming defensive because people are willing to say that what Lambert did onstage was “gross” or “disgusting”.

And I’d have to agree.
Not because he’s gay, or kissing a person of the same sex- I couldn’t really care less.
But because of the way he acted during his performance. That was probably the most vulgar, and trashiest thing I’ve ever seen an artist do. Especially at the beginning of his career.

It doesn’t matter if he was straight or gay; kissing a boy or girl- it was just awkward and un-classy.

Lewd gestures and off key notes galore. Not only was it a bad singing performance but it was just overall, bad. If I saw any artist, or any person for that matter, acting like he did onstage, I would be disgusted and turned off. I tell you, I changed the channel after he sang about 3 lines. Because I could tell it would suck.
Didn’t even see the kiss on TV, had to look it up on YouTube.
I mean, what do people have to do nowadays to get fans? To get publicity? Record sales?

Music isn’t even about the music anymore. It’s not. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s all about the fame and the money. There’s barely any real talent out there anymore.

Anyway, now Perez Hilton is going all “everyone is anti gay!” on the world because of Lambert’s performance and its backlash. I get that gays are often attacked, but this time it’s not even about his sexuality; but the fact that he did something very inappropriate-and they’re still fighting back. You don’t always have to be on your toes, ready to jump out at anyone. I’m sure if it was anyone, if Britney spears had done that to a boy, put his face to her crotch, people would still be saying “what a trashy performance.” This was only amplified because society hasn’t really seen that before.

Not to mention this was –what? His first performance?

Not a very good start. I don’t care who he is. Girl or boy, straight or gay- it was just trashy. And people need to get over themselves.

I feel like being harsh today.
I get to be harsh today. I was spoken to and treated harshly; therefore I get to be a meanie.

Eh most of the time my own sadness is my fault. That’s most cases at this point in our lives. But no matter what, we always stick to our hard headed opinion.

People are dumb. They’re just put on the planet to make our life complicated. After all, we don’t do it ourselves. That would be preposterous.

Dumb Refrigerator.

I come up with all my ideas sporadically. In the shower, right before I fall asleep, when I’m eating, every other time than when I sit down at my computer and actually want to write something.
Happens to everyone.

Is it weird that I’m never the same person each week?
Or is that how every teenager is? Trying on a new skin every couple of days, switching from this to that, their view points from here to there.
Is that… normal?
What I do know is that everyone has a double layer. No one is actually as they appear to be. We all have facades. The person we are at home is not the same person we are at school, or around friends or around our significant other. Everyone has some curtain of artificial nothings in front of them. That’s because we could not bear to show our true identities at first glance. To just put our soul on a platter and have anyone dissect it is absurd.
The truth is, no one wants to show their true selves to just anybody. The curtain only starts to open when you build a special relationship with that person. If you’re lucky.
It’s like we're turtles or something.

No one has just one person inside them. No one way of seeing things. We have tons. It’s just a matter of finding them. Saying you’re just one person, one mind, is simply ridiculous.
Then again, maybe I’m just crazy.

I'll tell you two of the sides I have. There’s the Davina who says "screw it" to everything and does what she wants for the hell of it, and the Davina who actually thinks for herself and balances out consequences.
Haven’t seen her in a while. The side I’m usually overcome by is the side that does not believe in morals or feelings. The side that wants to live in the moment and say "I’m 16 let me live!" the side that throws her hands up and says "I give up. I’ll do what I like and no one can say anything."
I’m sure I have more sides to me. Those are probably just the only two I notice.
Everyone has at least one different side to them.
No person is simply one dimensional, that’s impossible. To begin with, we all have the good and bad side. We're born with it. Ever since we were tiny beings we had these two voices. Whether it had to do with taking cookies out of the jar or going into mommy's room to try on her heels.
That’s how the little angel and demon on the shoulder came to be.
We all have that voice that just says "come on do it. Why not? It’ll be fun." and the other that argues "don’t do it, you’ll pay for it."
Who do you think adolescents listen to?

Like I said, we love a stirrup. Sometimes we complicate our lives just to complicate them. We add excitement because there isn’t enough. Even if it does mean hurting someone. And as generous as we like to think we are, we're quite selfish.
Maybe not for everything, but we are when it comes to feelings we definitely are. We always want emotional satisfaction. Whether its love, excitement, or sadness, we'll do anything to get it. And it’s always the best pleasure when it’s received.
That’s what she said.

What’s weird is that we always want to see our significant other get emotional. We absolutely hate seeing that wall, that shrug when we ask what’s wrong. That “nothing, everything’s fine.”
As much as we call them pussies for expressing themselves, that’s all we really want.
Just for them to tell us why the hell they're not talking or smiling as much.
Come on guys, we always know when something's wrong.
We just want you to break down at least once and pour out your feelings.
And we want it because – of course- we cannot have it.
I don’t know about you, but if a guy was emotional all the time I’d be sick of him.
Only women have that right. Cause we just do. That’s our excuse. We’re on our period, or having a bad day, or someone said something that upset us.
I think it’s the estrogen.
Guys, you know what I’m talking about. And don’t worry; we are aware that our excessive overly emotional rampages can be bitches. But hey, what can you do?
Ehh that’s how everyone is. Moodiness is yet another side effect of the never ending doses of hormones we receive.

I mean we never get what we want right? Our lives are just a swirl of repeating bad luck and boring nothingness.
This is the one thing we have control over; receiving emotional satisfaction.
Relationships getting uninteresting? Threaten a breakup. Anything to stir up commotion or have that exhilarating feeling in your stomach.
Now im not condoning cheating or anything like that. However that is the case when people do cheat; they’re just bored with their spouses. They want the thrill of having an affair. Im sure if they weren’t married or together with someone than it wouldn’t be nearly as great as it is when they are.
I mean would candy be as good if it didn’t give you pimples or make you fat or give you tummy aches? Of course not.
They see that one guy who winks at them and I think you know where everything goes from there.
It’s like eve and that damn tree.
Temptation.
Don’t cheat. It’s stupid. I know you want the same excitement you see on Gossip Girl and all those shows but this is real life; and in real life there are consequences. Life isn’t some scripted drama. It’s not like your fate relies on the writer's input. You choose your own. And in the real world, people love to talk and brand and hate. And something called “guilt” exists. So when you see the bottle headed blondes do it on TV, and get away with it with a hair flip and a wink, you should never take that as a reason to do it.

Eh who am I to tell you what to do?
Do what you want. Live!
…There she is again.


Morals are weird. The strange part is some people don’t have any. Like serial killers or sexual predators. Morals stop us from doing things that we'll regret. Things that society finds "wrong".
Do we even know what’s right and what’s wrong? How do we know? Is it because of the Ten Commandments or because we all decided that doing a certain thing is not accepted?
Getting good grades and going to a great school is accepted. Being a failure isn’t. And we use such cut throat words that penetrate and leave that person feeling ashamed for being different or not as good as society needs them to be. I mean what’s a failure anyway? It’s what we made it up to be. Someone who can’t live up to society's expectations. The expectations we made up.
Society's messed up anyway. All they care about is money. Money this money that, need more money, don’t have enough money, spend more money. It’s dumb.
But I’ve already had a rant about money. Let’s not re-live it.

Let’s see, what else to talk about.

Compliments are fun. Especially when you’re the one receiving them. That’s pretty much one of the things that could make our day. Even a simple “you look cute today” could flip your energy around and make you a chipper person. Compliments are the most effective when they’re given by people you don’t even know. Just a complete stranger coming up to you or telling you via Facebook that you’re beautiful, pretty much makes your month. It’s not only girls, I’m sure. Guys love compliments. After all, they’re human too. But they never show it.

What I don’t like is the mentality here in America.
Yes. I’m going there.
What I’ve noticed here is that most, not all, hot guys or “sexy” or whatever you’d like to call them, are cocky or…just douches. And I’m not blaming them entirely, I’m blaming the girls.
I think it might be because there are very few gorgeous guys here. And the few know they are hot, because of the many compliments they receive, and the obnoxious flirting given from girls around them.
Hey, we’re teenagers we have raging hormones. Everyone’s been guilty of extreme flirting.
Compliments + hot guy + girls all over guy = big head.
Hell anyone would become like that. I’m sure there are many girls like that too.
The weird thing is, I never saw that in Europe.
Probably because there are beautiful guys and girls everywhere. I think they might think that it’s normal to be good looking. So when you take away the girls all over him and the excessive amounts of compliments, you just have a normal guy.
Then again it’s a completely different culture.
No, I’m not saying America sucks and Europe’s better. It’s just something I’ve observed. And yes, I’ve met gorgeous guys here that have been genuinely nice, and gorgeous guys in France who have complete douche bags. It happens.

Culture is something that can make you who are you are. I don’t know about you, but my roots have affected the way I’ve been brought up and how I’ve been educated. I’m educated like a French girl, but being raised in America, I definitely don’t act like one. Which is pretty obvious why.
But what’s weird is that even though I was born and raised here, I still don’t know what certain expressions or words mean. I’m sure everyone with non-American parents can relate. Whether they’re Spanish, Italian, French, Chinese, Israeli, we never fully get one language down. That’s one disadvantage. We could have tons that we speak, but one can never be completely perfected.
Eh, who cares? Languages are dumb. Why can’t we all just speak one?
I think it’s so no one can understand the other’s secrets. Unless they take the time to learn it. But come on, who’s gonna do that?
Italian’s such a pretty language. I wish I could speak that.
What’s funny is that not many people think the language they speak is the prettiest, or the best.

We should have a button that automatically programs things we want to know into our brain.
Eh, who am I kidding, that’s probably the worst idea.
Cause every computer nerd in the world will program “world domination” before anything else. Then we’d be screwed.
Another Fail brought to you by technology.

What I don’t get is why we don’t use it for anything remotely productive. All you hear about is new phones and new computers and refrigerators with TV’s on them.
…Honestly? Who’s gonna need that?
Why can’t we invent machines that distribute food to starving people in Africa?
Or water dispensers that take rain water and filter it for people in India who cannot afford it?
Or how about, I don’t know, blanket makers, for people who sleep on the sidewalk in the freezing cold?
It’s like technology only cares about the people who can afford it.
Or how about they stop making everything so machine oriented so people can find jobs?

But no, nobody cares about that stuff. They don’t pay attention to the starving children, or the freezing homeless, or the unemployed single mothers.
Instead they’ll just sip a cup of warm coffee and cuddle with a blanket while watching a news reporter talk about it on their refrigerator.

I Don't Know, Do You?

Ignorance is such an odd thing.
It’s something nobody wants to have. Like some fatal disease that no one talks about, yet is spreading so much you can’t help but address it.
It’s one of the worst things to be overcome by.
It impairs your decision making, your judgment, and it could force you to make choices about someone or something that are far from intelligent.
Ignorance gets you into trouble.
Ignorance makes you look…well…dumb.
And the worst part is, you don’t know you have it until it slaps you back in the face.

Whether it’s getting screwed over by someone you thought was a good person, or simply just making a comment about something you didn’t know about and was hated upon.
Ignorance will always end up biting you in the ass.
We base too much off of ignorance.
Hell, we have wars from ignorance. Ignorance of religion, race, whatever it may be.
Ignorance is so powerful, too powerful. Can you believe it can cause people to fight? To hate? It can change an entire nation’s outlook on something. Some people will believe everything they hear if it sounds good. They choose to remain ignorant if it makes life more pleasant. But in the end, knowing is a lot better than not knowing when it comes to everything; including people.

I’m sure everyone has misjudged someone. They might have thought they were very kind, or very mean or very weird. We have all been misjudged. And we’ve all been corrected by those judgments we have made. In good and bad ways. The bad ones open our eyes a little wider than the pleasant ones. Then again, that's how every situation in life is.

Misjudging someone by thinking they are your friend is the worst form. Especially when you have to find out in a nasty way. Not only do you feel betrayed but honestly you just feel stupid. You feel dumb for trusting them or telling them all your secrets. You feel dumb for thinking they were there for you when they really weren’t. Everyone may think it’s the betrayal that hurts the most- which does at first- but deep down, you really just hit yourself in the head, think back, and say, “why did I even?”
As if a slap in the face wasn't enough, it's followed by someone coming up to you and saying “man, you are such a dumb ass.”

And then, it causes you to close up and brand yourself as someone with "trust issues". You can no longer let go and be free to tell everyone your life stories, or share your opinions, but you must remain locked up, in order to not make anymore mistakes or mistrust anyone. Everything seems so much harder. Now it's, "Watch what you say, watch what you do, watch who you interact with."

Everyone has had their fair share of ignorance and misjudgment, trusting the wrong people. Every single person on this planet. And that famous saying, "ignorance is bliss", makes ignorance seem like such a great thing to experience, as if not knowing anything is the right thing to do to make your life seem more pleasant. But sometimes, having knowledge is actually better than living in the dark and telling yourself things are okay when they're not. Only when you address the fact that things are the way they are, is when you know you need to change them. And that's why being cured of ignorance is probably better than being cured of anything else.