I'm Breaking...?

Today I feel dead.

But not the good kind. Not the kind where you feel like everything is a dream and no one is real. Not like you’re floating on a cloud. But the kind where you don’t really feel anything at all. You don’t hear anyone anymore; you don’t see anything in front of you. Everything just goes right by your head and you don’t even notice it.

You become apathetic, uninterested. In pretty much everything around you.
You make decisions that are “in the moment” and not thought of. All because deep down you just want to feel alive again. And you just hope whatever you do will bring you back to life.

This feeling of being lifeless mostly occurs when something bad happens.
It’s hidden in the five stages of grief.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
I don’t really know where it fits in, but I’m pretty sure it does. Either in the very beginning, or before acceptance. Or after acceptance. Eh I guess it’s different for everyone.

Have you ever had to make a really big decision you really didn’t want to make but had to cause you knew it was right?
….(sigh) welcome to adulthood my friend. You’ll be seeing a lot of that.
The worst part is that the five stages of grief all apply even in these situations.
You’ll deny that you have to make the decision, then be angry you did make that decision, try to bargain and get yourself back into not making the decision, then become sad because you ended up doing it. And eventually you just accept it.
Happens with everything. It’s quite scary what these psychologists gather up, isn’t it?

Haven’t you ever felt it before? I can’t be alone here. I think I’m on the fourth one, on the verge of the fifth. Not feeling sorry for myself but just feeling…dead. Maybe this lifeless feeling is just getting in the way of me even feeling all these stages.
See feeling dead comes by when you’ve given up. When everything kind of stops and you say, “you know what? I’m exhausted.”
It shows up that week you’ve been piled with work, and your relationship just isn’t working out, and your home life is hard. It sneaks its way into your soul and just takes over. Kind of like a cartoon. A grey entity that slowly envelops your red heart.

Then again, that’s how death really is.
This is kind of scaring me.
I’m not making any sense.


I’d really love to talk about this whole “Adam Lambert Gay Controversy Nonsense Publicity Stunt Ruining Career Although Nobody Really Cares” situation.
Gays are suddenly becoming defensive because people are willing to say that what Lambert did onstage was “gross” or “disgusting”.

And I’d have to agree.
Not because he’s gay, or kissing a person of the same sex- I couldn’t really care less.
But because of the way he acted during his performance. That was probably the most vulgar, and trashiest thing I’ve ever seen an artist do. Especially at the beginning of his career.

It doesn’t matter if he was straight or gay; kissing a boy or girl- it was just awkward and un-classy.

Lewd gestures and off key notes galore. Not only was it a bad singing performance but it was just overall, bad. If I saw any artist, or any person for that matter, acting like he did onstage, I would be disgusted and turned off. I tell you, I changed the channel after he sang about 3 lines. Because I could tell it would suck.
Didn’t even see the kiss on TV, had to look it up on YouTube.
I mean, what do people have to do nowadays to get fans? To get publicity? Record sales?

Music isn’t even about the music anymore. It’s not. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s all about the fame and the money. There’s barely any real talent out there anymore.

Anyway, now Perez Hilton is going all “everyone is anti gay!” on the world because of Lambert’s performance and its backlash. I get that gays are often attacked, but this time it’s not even about his sexuality; but the fact that he did something very inappropriate-and they’re still fighting back. You don’t always have to be on your toes, ready to jump out at anyone. I’m sure if it was anyone, if Britney spears had done that to a boy, put his face to her crotch, people would still be saying “what a trashy performance.” This was only amplified because society hasn’t really seen that before.

Not to mention this was –what? His first performance?

Not a very good start. I don’t care who he is. Girl or boy, straight or gay- it was just trashy. And people need to get over themselves.

I feel like being harsh today.
I get to be harsh today. I was spoken to and treated harshly; therefore I get to be a meanie.

Eh most of the time my own sadness is my fault. That’s most cases at this point in our lives. But no matter what, we always stick to our hard headed opinion.

People are dumb. They’re just put on the planet to make our life complicated. After all, we don’t do it ourselves. That would be preposterous.