A Healing Individualist.

So I feel like writing today.
I’m in one of those moods.
Have you ever had that “20 ton weight lifted off your shoulders” feeling?
The feeling of freedom? Of no longer having your wings clipped, or your feet tied to the ground?
I must say it’s the most refreshing feeling. Kind of like you’re born again. And nothing can stop you.

I don’t feel dead anymore; that’s a plus. It was getting kind of irritating, not being able to feel. I guess I just had to acknowledge the empty hole inside me.
See I learned from a very wise man that the reason some people may lose their emotions is because they push the pain away. They ignore the emptiness that was hollowed inside them. Once you take a second to just feel it and know it’s there, it will start to heal.

In a weird way, it gives you comfort. Just thinking of it, whether it is in your stomach, your chest, your head, you instantly feel better…kind of stronger. Like knowing it’s there will make it heal and eventually disappear. Only when you acknowledge that its there is when you will eventually stop having the need to always fill it.
Very weird to understand, I know.

Love is getting so old. I’m beginning to think it doesn’t exist anymore. That it’s all some kind of sham that God, or whatever it is, is trying to pull on us. The minute we feel it, it disappears. It’s like we can only have a taste, a whiff, before it is scooped away from beneath us. The worst is figuring out it was never there in the first place. Finding out that it was all in your head, due to your distorted view on the person. And I certainly don’t get how love can “last forever”. These stupid “Twilight” movies are putting ideas into girls’ heads and telling them that love does last forever. And you’ll find someone as charming and handsome as that Cullen dude who will love you uncontrollably and protect you and always be there.
Everything dies; why should love be any different?

So I took a personality test and found out that I have a type 4 personality. The “Individualist”. We “strive to be unique” and “original”. Weirdd.

I’ve finally learned why I’m attracted to certain boys. Boys who are…not very stable. You could be attracted to someone because subconsciously, you see yourself in them. And we all know that’s the way you connect. You go for troubled twisted guys because it’s a reflection of your dark side. You go for positive happy boys because they’re a reflection of your bright side.

We are attracted to people who have qualities similar to ours, but qualities we wish were less…dormant. For instance, if you feel like your creative side lacks attention and isn’t that great, you might be attracted to someone artistic. If you feel like your passionate ambitious side needs to be stronger, you’ll be attracted to someone who possesses those traits. All because really we’re just subconsciously living through them. I know what you’re thinking, “how is that healthy?” You should live through yourself right?

Well it’s really all subconscious. Nobody really knows they want to live through someone. And most of time if we are comfortable with ourselves, we wont. People who don’t really like themselves find themselves in situations where they are always attached to a person are those who will find someone to live through. Because they hate being alone. Why would they want to spend time with their dreaded selves?

Anyways, I’m healing. I think I’m finally on the fifth stage of grief; acceptance. Feels good to be finished with it. Isn’t that what life is about? Getting hurt and moving on? We’re gonna get hurt a lot more than we intend to be. The only part we can control is how to mend our hearts back to normal, and nurse our soul back to health.