Well This is Depressing...

Rope...That’s all I see, all I feel between my coarse hands. Just a single strand that I’m holding onto for dear life.

Just rope…

And darkness, man it’s dark in here. I can barely see anything except for the thick thread in front of my eyes. I try to climb it, but my limbs are weakened by indecision, my head spinning from confusion.

How did I end up here?
I look down to see a bottomless pit, I try to squint, make anything out from the shadows. I lift my head up to find that the darkness is simply surrounding me.
I suddenly feel my heart begin to pound louder and louder, faster, I hear it in my ears, I feel it throughout my entire body, the deafening unsteady rhythm striking within me like a drum.

It is now harder to breathe, harder to see, but I do not loosen my grip, I refuse to let go. I reject the idea of simply letting my hands ease up from the rough lifesaver that I’ve been clenching onto for so long.
The concept of just letting myself fall into the uncertainty that was waiting to envelop me frightened me. So I just shut my eyes and hoped that someone would eventually pull the rope and lead me to clarity.

But after waiting 5 days, no one came.
So I took a deep breath, counted to three, and simply...released my hands.


Hey look, I just made a metaphorical blog.

Can I Play?

Oh how nice it must be to be a child.
What am I saying, we were all children at some point in our lives.
Our minds still raw and untouched, still full of fantasies and fears that we have yet to uncover.
We all envy this innocence, for some reason...even though we've all had it.
Of course when we were "little", we wanted nothing more than to be grown up. We gazed at adults, admiring them, wondering when we'd be "able to do that" or "see those movies" or "understand those jokes".
We'd play house and wonder when we'd really have an actual kitchen and a husband or wife.
And when it happens, when we finally wake up with a high school diploma waiting for us or with a briefcase in our hands, all we want to do is go back to that time where we were painting pictures with our fingers.
That time where we had to spend hours and numerous times repeating, just to remember something as simple as our phone number.

Could it be that we envy children because of their ability to forget something in an instant simply because they don't comprehend? As "adults" we can cling onto bad memories and events because we do understand the situations we were put in. It sticks to us because we are aware. Things that happen to us as children are sometimes forgotten because we didn't understand. Our parents would tell us to forget about it and we would just pick up our doll and go play.
But it's not so simple anymore. We're not able to just turn off our minds and turn them over to the wonderful concept of imagination anymore.
I think that's what we really miss the most. The ability to be mentally... free.
Because as much as we like to think we have the most freedom as adults, being a kid is as free as it gets.

Remember Me?

Crash, I wanna fall, I wanna be somewhere in the middle with you.

Where would we be without our memories?
Without those things that happened in the past that made us smile, laugh, regret, think.

A lot of people say that the past doesn’t matter, that it shouldn’t determine a person’s identity.
They try to convince themselves that the past is simply just…stuff that happened, and it does not make you who you are today. They believe that you make yourself who you are and that it should simply be ignored. What matters is now, right?

But how can we just ignore it when it really does define who we are?

We all know experience builds character.
If our minds were erased every few days, we would never be the same person.
Or really a person for that matter.

I say our past is everything. Every little thing we’ve experienced has contributed to the forming of who we are.
It makes no sense to forget, or obliterate it.
We use it to learn, grow…so why are we always told to move on, and erase it from our minds?
Is it out of fear?
Is it because we are told to never “dwell” or “linger” on events that aren’t relevant to the present?


I mean, if the past makes us who we are, there really should be no reason to just put a giant slab of whiteout over it.
We should use it to our advantage. To figure out why we work the way we do, and how to keep the past...the past. To make sure it doesn't repeat itself.

To just erase it from our minds and say “it never happened?”
Come on, does that really solve anything?
Our brain is carefully crafted.
There’s a compartment for everything.

You can’t just choose a file to delete and think that everything’s peachy keen.
Our minds store memories for a reason, in order to wake up the next day and remember who we are, what our address is, what our phone number is, etc.

Because without our memories our identity is pretty much just the blank space under the “Hello My Name Is”.

It’s up to us to remember enough to fill it up.
To remember who we are, where we come from, and why we are the way we are, why we do the things we do.
What makes us unique, weird, normal, funny, serious.
That’s all determined by what we’ve been through and what we’ve seen.
With our experiences, our scars, and our joyful recollections.


Crash, fall, I like it; I like it, somewhere in the middle with you.

You Smell...

Anniversaries are weird when we're young. You know, like two month, five month ones. It makes a relationship sound like...a battle with cancer or something.
"I did it!"
Like it's some kind of acheivement, a struggle that you overcame.
Doesn't that sound weird?
I mean it automatically sets a relationship up to be something that must be "hard" and "stressful" in our minds if we have to celebrate every few months we survive it. 

After all, people run away from relationships because they want to, "have fun" and "live". 
...It sounds like a relationship is some kind of death sentence to me.
And I don't blame em. At our age it's necessary to explore. Experiencing everything possible is essential to our lives. It's healthy.

Because once we get married- that's it. We're set for life. No more checking out other guys, no more flirting, no more late night talks with strangers. It's all down the drain of the "his and her's" sinks. 

Which is why a lot of us cringe at the sound of the word "relationship."
Could it be because of our longing desire to be free of doubt, care, and stress?
Or is it just because we're shallow bastards who want everyone to ourselves?
And that answer will never be found.

I mean, don't brides and grooms have bachelor and bachelorette parties before their weddings so they can squeeze in that tiny bit of freedom before their sentence?
So they can have the last bit of fun with a stranger before they're chained to one another.
Well that's one way to look at it.
The other way is...
...actually I don't think there is another way to look at it.

I mean we all know it's a natural reaction to back away from being tied down. Our instincts tell us to be free.
...like animals.
When you find yourself wrapped up in rope, the first thing you do is try to get out, right? 

But if that's so, why do some of us long for a relationship so badly, if it all sounds so... dreadful?

That goes all the way back to "people want what they cannot have."

When we're single it seems as if everyone around us is a couple. Every person we see at the mall is either holding hands with someone, or making kissy faces with their pooky. And yet nobody looks twice at us. And if they do, they are far from boyfriend material.
When we're taken, it seems as though every gorgeous guy in the world got together and said "lets go tempt that chick cause she has a boyfriend".
Why?
Is it our minds doing it to us, or does being taken actually attract more people?

Ding ding ding, if you picked the second choice, you're a smart cookie.
It all has to do with the energy we give off. Believe it or not, energy is something we can sense as much as the smell of a pie baking in the oven. 
When we are single, we have a hint of eagerness and maybe even desperation in our energy, which turns many people away. 
When we're taken, our energy is just uncaring and distracted, which draws more people in.
Keep in mind, we all do this subconsiously.
...I know right?
Who knew we were so complicated, and that people could actually smell it off of us like perfume?

Eau De Being Obvious.

That was me trying to make a joke.

But back to what I was saying.

There are others who spend their whole lives looking to be...tied up. People who hold out their hands and wait for the feeling of the rough rope to envelope their wrists.


 
But why does the rest of the population avoid being tied down? Is it because of all those songs and movies about heartbreak that scare us into thinking love will always end up screwing us over?
Because we meet someone else while taken and look down to see our hands tied?
Like we all know, the mind loves to wonder. Which is why "relationship" is such a scary word. Because to most people- it limits their horizons. And suddenly they see a big door that says "don't go there."
And stuff like that is just asking to be broken down.

A relationship is something everyone views differently. Good or bad, fun or stressful. It could be a walk in the park to some people, or to others, a walk on eggshells.

Either way, it is a brave endeavor. Ignoring those rumors about heartbreak and sorrow and fighting and despair and drama and simply...jumping in. 

And to me, that is one hell of an achievement. 

You Scared Me...

We all have monsters inside of us. The little constant reminders of things we regret doing, taunting us, trying to pull us into the darkness we try so hard to run away from. Those events that have occurred in the past and contributed to the forming of that little dark patch in our bodies. All we try to do is take a bunch of magic markers to try to turn it into a patch of brightness.
But come on, we all know what’s behind the “magic”.

We all fear monsters. They star in the movies that are supposed to scare us until we cannot sleep anymore, they are the antagonists in stories we read. Hell, we grew up thinking they’d pop out of our closets at night and gobble us up.
But…why are we so afraid of monsters if we have one inside each and every one of us? And why do we fear them if we know what they are capable of?

And this all goes back to our fear of losing control.

You know that feeling you get, when you’re so angry that your heart starts beating at warp speed, and your palms get sweaty, and you don’t think you can take a hold of yourself? You warn anyone that walks your path to step off, or else and clench your fists, almost as if to ready yourself, to release that monster just waiting to jolt out?
Of course, we’ve all had that feeling. Because we’re humans. And we’ve all gotten angry. Doesn’t feel like you have control of your body then, does it?
Cause you don’t.

How bout this?
You’re having the worst day possible, and suddenly, thoughts from the past flood your entire thought process. That guy that screwed you over, the friend you lost, the bad Formspring comment. Whatever it is.

Those are your monsters coming out to play. Taunting you, pulling you down into the dark place where they live. Luring you in with cookies and whatnot.
After all, it is a proven fact that being negative is a hell of a lot less effort than being positive.

But you must be careful, for monsters come in all shapes in sizes.

And we spend so much of our time telling those monsters to flee, trying to forget they’re constant existence in our minds.
Hoping they won’t jump out and scare the next person we talk to.
But of course we know they’re there. We never forget about them. And they tend to come out and play at our darkest times, fiddling with our feelings and leaping across our minds, teasing us.

Of course there are some who like playing with their monsters, who enjoy the occasional play time in the dark.
Those people are most likely to become sociopaths and serial killers, for they have no clear vision in the dark. After all, how could they tell what is and is not a monster?
Sure you can try to drown your monsters in alcohol, or suffocate them in smoke, but in the end, a monster is a monster. And it takes a hell of a lot more than some weird substances to make it disappear.

I mean, you need garlic, at least.

Did I just make a vampire joke?

What many people don’t know is, monsters don’t just disappear. We can push and shimmy away from them as much as possible. But they stay in the shadows of our mind waiting for that moment when the door opens, so they can prance out to toy with our heads.

It’s up to us to always keep that door shut, with the brightest of lights outside of it.

Green, The New Black?

Jealousy.

Probably the worst little monster that crawls around our insides and clogs our emotional pores.

We all know the famous saying “jealousy can drive a person mad”, or the one that goes “jealousy can make a person go to great lengths”.

…wait; don’t they say the same thing about love?

Doesn’t love drive us to crazy extents and makes us do stupid things?
That’s what I’ve always heard.
I have this theory about love and jealousy being linked very closely. Sometimes we think we’re in love, when really, we’re just in…jealousy.
I mean, we’ve all seen it.

There are lots of couples who stay together not because they love each other, but simply because the idea of their significant other being with someone else is too much to bear. Couples that make themselves believe they’re inseparable, when really they’re just incapable of being separated.

I hope I’m making sense here.

Let’s use a middle school reference. Let’s say, I don’t know, Brandon comes up to Colleen and asks her out. Now, she doesn’t like Brandon and never has. So without even skipping a beat, she refuses and walks away, not thinking much about it.
The next day, she sees he’s asked out Sally. Now, something stirs inside of her, and after watching them together flirting and whatnot, she realizes she really does like Brandon.
...Or does she?

See what I’m trying to say?
A lot of the time we don’t realize it, but we subconsciously “fall in love” out of pure jealousy. Just because we want what we cannot have, or something that others have.
I’m sure in that situation; Colleen would do anything to get Brandon back for herself. And that’s where that expression comes from. Because we are told that we do crazy things for love when in fact, most of the time it is out of jealousy.
We all watch the movies, where we see the woman rejecting the guy and then suddenly caring and going insane when she sees him with another woman. Then it ends with them falling in love and being together.
What it doesn’t show, is that same woman dumping him two weeks later when she sees another piece of eye candy she wants to chew on. Then the third movie where she returns to the guy when she finds out he’s moved on.

It’s the common story we have all heard and seen countless times.

We don’t like the feeling of getting something taken away from us. It’s just human nature. We like to have things and keep them to ourselves. And then once we have them, we want something else. It’s normal.
What isn’t normal is that we’re taught that we’re falling in love in this situation when we’re not; That we’re being told that it’s okay to do crazy things for love when your “loved one” is with someone else.

We can’t control jealousy. Hell, it’s the “herpes” of emotions.
The flare ups are uncontrollable and intolerable when they come, and sometimes it can get so bad, it requires a lot of time to get rid of.
But all emotions are tough, especially now at this time in our lives when they seem to control us.

…Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of the constant mood swings, crying attacks, and sudden chocolate cravings that come with this whole “adolescence” package deal. I mean, I can’t help that it was just left on my doorstep one morning with a post it attached that said “this is gonna suck”.

What’s the return policy on this thing?

I Wanna See.

As teenagers, our sense of curiosity is heightened about 80 percent.
We are constantly trying to explore, and absorb knowledge, experience. It’s just our instinct. This is the age we are given an increased amount of freedom to roam and discover. And of course, since we over indulge in everything, why would we stop ourselves with anything?
We do it with places, friends, foods, parties, you name it.
But the downside to being an adolescent; we are the most masochistic beings on the planet.
Especially when it comes to significant others.

I'm attracted to men who always seem to have this internal conflict with themselves.
Guys who are constantly thinking, drawing their eyebrows together, in a pensive state when no one is looking.
They are always having a battle inside of them, which, to me is irresistible.
And I know I’m not alone. Whether it's not knowing who they are, what they want, who they like, there is something about them that draws us to the troubled souls.
It's our giving nature, our selflessness that just takes over our being and sends our morals to the corner for time out.
There's just something about observing those who have something hidden deep inside the depths of their distressed minds that just sucks us in, in a matter of seconds.

Freakin Venus fly traps, I'm telling you.

However, 99% of the time, this could be fatal.
It’s like putting the most giving and curious person in the world, and a person who just wants to be left alone to find themselves, together in a room to play.
It’ll most likely end in explosions and chaos.

But how can we tell?
We're just trying to explore. After all, we are young and willing to find things out.
But curiosity just fogs up our lenses, until our vision is so blurred we can't even see what we're doing in front of our faces anymore.
We search and search, until we find ourselves not even looking at the person before our eyes, but seeing through their flesh and into the combat inside their bodies. And I think that is what attaches us; the fact that we get so close to their real selves that it’s too far to turn back.

And we know it's bad for us, of course we know. We're teenagers, not babies.
But like most things that are not good for us, we do them simply to acquire a hint excitement in our dreadful lives that seem to be excruciatingly dull.
The whole "journey to the middle of their souls" is what gives us the thrill. It’s like unwrapping one of those presents that have so much paper, you can never seem to finish tearing up.

Then again, it could be our masochistic selves just taking another jab at our hearts.

I mean, isn't it? Stop me if I'm rambling (too late), but as teenagers it seems as though we always find a way to screw things up for ourselves without even knowing it. The countless “this would happen to me” ‘s or the “I knew it” ‘s, it is like they never end, even though we see it coming. Somehow deep inside of us, we know that this will eventually turn out to be horrible. But like I said, we love to send our consciousness to the back of our heads to shut up so we can have some fun.

And in the end, we always just hit ourselves in the head and repeat how stupid we are, then do it all over again when we see the guy across us dazing off into the darkness of his mind.