Me Trying To Be A Psychologist

I think it's so easy to just be hardened and cold. I mean if you think about it, it's simple to turn off your emotions and block out the world. But what I never understood was why nobody ever brings up that it's actually harder to live life being vulnerable. Because being vulnerable...hurts like hell.

Letting yourself feel can be so overwhelming. Love, happiness, depression, anger, frustration, joy these are all emotions we humans go through that can be amplified to 100 percent. Sometimes almost too much for our bodies to handle.

Being in love can give you the greatest high, and getting your heart broken can bring on the most excruciating pain. Sure one can run away from these feelings, just stow them in the back of their mind and move on, but isn't it braver to actually go through them as huge as they are? All of those sad souls who float through life claiming to be stronger than everyone else just because they don't show or address their pain…I just don't get it.

Because it's so simple to just pass by life not acknowledging anything you feel, not connecting with anybody or even yourself. Hell, I used to do it. My emotions used to be as easy as turning off a light switch. But it was miserable. I didn't enjoy anything, and I never really remembered many moments because I didn't let myself be in them. I was too scared to let myself go and be present at risk of getting hurt. I didn't realize I was prolonging my suffering by not letting myself connect or enjoy anything. That's no way to live.

And I learned over time, that nobody should ever be ashamed of their emotions. We shouldn't even question them, everyone has them! We shouldn't ask ourselves why we feel depressed after something sad happens or why we feel anxious before we have to do something scary. That's how we are programmed, we are the way we are. Yeah some are more socially awkward than others, some are more joyous, more paranoid, harsher, more sensitive, but none of it is wrong or right. It's just what makes us who we are. 

It's all normal! And anyone who tells you it's not, is wrong. The ones who say "get over it already", they don't know what goes through your thought process or how you internalized what's happening. 

And that's what really makes us question whether or not it's okay to feel, is how others react to our pain. The person who cried in front of her parents and never got any sympathy will most likely see showing emotion as a sign of weakness because of the cold reaction they got repeatedly.

Doesn't mean crying is weak.

And what nobody really mentions is that it takes a lot of training to tell yourself that it showing emotion isn't shameful if you've faced your whole life having people minimize and ignore yours. 

I think it's strong and beautiful to allow yourself to feel and open your heart. To be able to live every moment as it is fully…that's what we're here on earth for. To get the whole experience. It's must be terrible to just float through life letting every person and experience pass you by, avoiding contact and connection with people all because it might hurt too much in the long run. And I know. 

I've let myself fully love and get hurt, and as much as it sucked and felt like someone was driving a knife through my chest every day once the pain followed the insane high of love, I was so relieved that I was able to feel that love. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not going to pretend like I'm made of stone. And nobody else should. I've been hurt and cried daily, ate like an insane person, got depressed, then went through a healing process and got happy again. That's life, why should we even try to hide it and act like it doesn't happen to everyone?

And yes it's okay to be closed off after we get hurt, it's our natural reaction to protect ourselves. But to prolong the numbness and distant behavior for years to avoid more scarring just does not do us any good. Because just like happiness passes, so does pain.

Eventually pain always seems like it was so small. Like it wasn't even all that bad because things are better in your current state. Like when you think back to a time you scraped your knee in the playground. You probably cried so much when it happened. You were scared, and in so much pain. And now, you don't even remember the pain. You tell that story as if it were any other story.

And I think if we can look at a horrible phase from the past as just that, a story from the past, then anything we go through today can be seen the same way.

I look back at some hellish moments of my life that were the lowest, most unstable times, like they're so small now. Pain only seems amplified while it's happening because it's relevant. But when it's not anymore, it's like everything we went through wasn't so bad.

And I think we need to remind ourselves that everyone goes through hardships. Nobody is more scarred than the other, nobody is more troubled than the other and nobody has been hurt more than the other. We all feel differently, think diversely and have different ways of dealing with situations and feelings. Someone's idea of life ending could be as drastic as the death of a close one, or a low grade on a test. 

But I don't know, I don't even know what my point is. I just don't want to see anyone living their life in closed off numbness thinking it's benefitting them, because it's probably not.

I know that it is scary to feel. It's terrifying to let yourself have your emotions out on the table for anyone to pick at, step on, or nurture. But it's also the beauty of life. It's the beauty of relationships. It's what gives everything dynamic and fun and contrast.

And those who are vulnerable are not weak, just the opposite. They're the brave ones. The ones who endure the overwhelming highs and lows of life with courage. 

Speaking of your emotions openly shows self awareness. I just hate that society has formed this opinion that the one who talks about their feelings is whiny and overly sensitive while the one who stows them in the back of their minds could handle anything. Like that cliche "the superhero never cries". They forget to leave out that superheroes aren't human.

Because shutting yourself off to protect yourself forever…that's running away. It may soothe you shortly but before you know it, you could be looking at your life as one big grey blur that you voluntarily missed out on just because you didn't want to face some tiny bumps in the road.

What is life without intimacy, without being smitten with happiness from an amazing night or crying your eyes out over an ended relationship or terribly anxious over a huge life change?
It's all just one big scary roller coaster, and I think that the ones who willingly sit in the front row and brace themselves for the ride are the most courageous souls of all.