You Smell...

Anniversaries are weird when we're young. You know, like two month, five month ones. It makes a relationship sound like...a battle with cancer or something.
"I did it!"
Like it's some kind of acheivement, a struggle that you overcame.
Doesn't that sound weird?
I mean it automatically sets a relationship up to be something that must be "hard" and "stressful" in our minds if we have to celebrate every few months we survive it. 

After all, people run away from relationships because they want to, "have fun" and "live". 
...It sounds like a relationship is some kind of death sentence to me.
And I don't blame em. At our age it's necessary to explore. Experiencing everything possible is essential to our lives. It's healthy.

Because once we get married- that's it. We're set for life. No more checking out other guys, no more flirting, no more late night talks with strangers. It's all down the drain of the "his and her's" sinks. 

Which is why a lot of us cringe at the sound of the word "relationship."
Could it be because of our longing desire to be free of doubt, care, and stress?
Or is it just because we're shallow bastards who want everyone to ourselves?
And that answer will never be found.

I mean, don't brides and grooms have bachelor and bachelorette parties before their weddings so they can squeeze in that tiny bit of freedom before their sentence?
So they can have the last bit of fun with a stranger before they're chained to one another.
Well that's one way to look at it.
The other way is...
...actually I don't think there is another way to look at it.

I mean we all know it's a natural reaction to back away from being tied down. Our instincts tell us to be free.
...like animals.
When you find yourself wrapped up in rope, the first thing you do is try to get out, right? 

But if that's so, why do some of us long for a relationship so badly, if it all sounds so... dreadful?

That goes all the way back to "people want what they cannot have."

When we're single it seems as if everyone around us is a couple. Every person we see at the mall is either holding hands with someone, or making kissy faces with their pooky. And yet nobody looks twice at us. And if they do, they are far from boyfriend material.
When we're taken, it seems as though every gorgeous guy in the world got together and said "lets go tempt that chick cause she has a boyfriend".
Why?
Is it our minds doing it to us, or does being taken actually attract more people?

Ding ding ding, if you picked the second choice, you're a smart cookie.
It all has to do with the energy we give off. Believe it or not, energy is something we can sense as much as the smell of a pie baking in the oven. 
When we are single, we have a hint of eagerness and maybe even desperation in our energy, which turns many people away. 
When we're taken, our energy is just uncaring and distracted, which draws more people in.
Keep in mind, we all do this subconsiously.
...I know right?
Who knew we were so complicated, and that people could actually smell it off of us like perfume?

Eau De Being Obvious.

That was me trying to make a joke.

But back to what I was saying.

There are others who spend their whole lives looking to be...tied up. People who hold out their hands and wait for the feeling of the rough rope to envelope their wrists.


 
But why does the rest of the population avoid being tied down? Is it because of all those songs and movies about heartbreak that scare us into thinking love will always end up screwing us over?
Because we meet someone else while taken and look down to see our hands tied?
Like we all know, the mind loves to wonder. Which is why "relationship" is such a scary word. Because to most people- it limits their horizons. And suddenly they see a big door that says "don't go there."
And stuff like that is just asking to be broken down.

A relationship is something everyone views differently. Good or bad, fun or stressful. It could be a walk in the park to some people, or to others, a walk on eggshells.

Either way, it is a brave endeavor. Ignoring those rumors about heartbreak and sorrow and fighting and despair and drama and simply...jumping in. 

And to me, that is one hell of an achievement. 

You Scared Me...

We all have monsters inside of us. The little constant reminders of things we regret doing, taunting us, trying to pull us into the darkness we try so hard to run away from. Those events that have occurred in the past and contributed to the forming of that little dark patch in our bodies. All we try to do is take a bunch of magic markers to try to turn it into a patch of brightness.
But come on, we all know what’s behind the “magic”.

We all fear monsters. They star in the movies that are supposed to scare us until we cannot sleep anymore, they are the antagonists in stories we read. Hell, we grew up thinking they’d pop out of our closets at night and gobble us up.
But…why are we so afraid of monsters if we have one inside each and every one of us? And why do we fear them if we know what they are capable of?

And this all goes back to our fear of losing control.

You know that feeling you get, when you’re so angry that your heart starts beating at warp speed, and your palms get sweaty, and you don’t think you can take a hold of yourself? You warn anyone that walks your path to step off, or else and clench your fists, almost as if to ready yourself, to release that monster just waiting to jolt out?
Of course, we’ve all had that feeling. Because we’re humans. And we’ve all gotten angry. Doesn’t feel like you have control of your body then, does it?
Cause you don’t.

How bout this?
You’re having the worst day possible, and suddenly, thoughts from the past flood your entire thought process. That guy that screwed you over, the friend you lost, the bad Formspring comment. Whatever it is.

Those are your monsters coming out to play. Taunting you, pulling you down into the dark place where they live. Luring you in with cookies and whatnot.
After all, it is a proven fact that being negative is a hell of a lot less effort than being positive.

But you must be careful, for monsters come in all shapes in sizes.

And we spend so much of our time telling those monsters to flee, trying to forget they’re constant existence in our minds.
Hoping they won’t jump out and scare the next person we talk to.
But of course we know they’re there. We never forget about them. And they tend to come out and play at our darkest times, fiddling with our feelings and leaping across our minds, teasing us.

Of course there are some who like playing with their monsters, who enjoy the occasional play time in the dark.
Those people are most likely to become sociopaths and serial killers, for they have no clear vision in the dark. After all, how could they tell what is and is not a monster?
Sure you can try to drown your monsters in alcohol, or suffocate them in smoke, but in the end, a monster is a monster. And it takes a hell of a lot more than some weird substances to make it disappear.

I mean, you need garlic, at least.

Did I just make a vampire joke?

What many people don’t know is, monsters don’t just disappear. We can push and shimmy away from them as much as possible. But they stay in the shadows of our mind waiting for that moment when the door opens, so they can prance out to toy with our heads.

It’s up to us to always keep that door shut, with the brightest of lights outside of it.

Green, The New Black?

Jealousy.

Probably the worst little monster that crawls around our insides and clogs our emotional pores.

We all know the famous saying “jealousy can drive a person mad”, or the one that goes “jealousy can make a person go to great lengths”.

…wait; don’t they say the same thing about love?

Doesn’t love drive us to crazy extents and makes us do stupid things?
That’s what I’ve always heard.
I have this theory about love and jealousy being linked very closely. Sometimes we think we’re in love, when really, we’re just in…jealousy.
I mean, we’ve all seen it.

There are lots of couples who stay together not because they love each other, but simply because the idea of their significant other being with someone else is too much to bear. Couples that make themselves believe they’re inseparable, when really they’re just incapable of being separated.

I hope I’m making sense here.

Let’s use a middle school reference. Let’s say, I don’t know, Brandon comes up to Colleen and asks her out. Now, she doesn’t like Brandon and never has. So without even skipping a beat, she refuses and walks away, not thinking much about it.
The next day, she sees he’s asked out Sally. Now, something stirs inside of her, and after watching them together flirting and whatnot, she realizes she really does like Brandon.
...Or does she?

See what I’m trying to say?
A lot of the time we don’t realize it, but we subconsciously “fall in love” out of pure jealousy. Just because we want what we cannot have, or something that others have.
I’m sure in that situation; Colleen would do anything to get Brandon back for herself. And that’s where that expression comes from. Because we are told that we do crazy things for love when in fact, most of the time it is out of jealousy.
We all watch the movies, where we see the woman rejecting the guy and then suddenly caring and going insane when she sees him with another woman. Then it ends with them falling in love and being together.
What it doesn’t show, is that same woman dumping him two weeks later when she sees another piece of eye candy she wants to chew on. Then the third movie where she returns to the guy when she finds out he’s moved on.

It’s the common story we have all heard and seen countless times.

We don’t like the feeling of getting something taken away from us. It’s just human nature. We like to have things and keep them to ourselves. And then once we have them, we want something else. It’s normal.
What isn’t normal is that we’re taught that we’re falling in love in this situation when we’re not; That we’re being told that it’s okay to do crazy things for love when your “loved one” is with someone else.

We can’t control jealousy. Hell, it’s the “herpes” of emotions.
The flare ups are uncontrollable and intolerable when they come, and sometimes it can get so bad, it requires a lot of time to get rid of.
But all emotions are tough, especially now at this time in our lives when they seem to control us.

…Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of the constant mood swings, crying attacks, and sudden chocolate cravings that come with this whole “adolescence” package deal. I mean, I can’t help that it was just left on my doorstep one morning with a post it attached that said “this is gonna suck”.

What’s the return policy on this thing?

I Wanna See.

As teenagers, our sense of curiosity is heightened about 80 percent.
We are constantly trying to explore, and absorb knowledge, experience. It’s just our instinct. This is the age we are given an increased amount of freedom to roam and discover. And of course, since we over indulge in everything, why would we stop ourselves with anything?
We do it with places, friends, foods, parties, you name it.
But the downside to being an adolescent; we are the most masochistic beings on the planet.
Especially when it comes to significant others.

I'm attracted to men who always seem to have this internal conflict with themselves.
Guys who are constantly thinking, drawing their eyebrows together, in a pensive state when no one is looking.
They are always having a battle inside of them, which, to me is irresistible.
And I know I’m not alone. Whether it's not knowing who they are, what they want, who they like, there is something about them that draws us to the troubled souls.
It's our giving nature, our selflessness that just takes over our being and sends our morals to the corner for time out.
There's just something about observing those who have something hidden deep inside the depths of their distressed minds that just sucks us in, in a matter of seconds.

Freakin Venus fly traps, I'm telling you.

However, 99% of the time, this could be fatal.
It’s like putting the most giving and curious person in the world, and a person who just wants to be left alone to find themselves, together in a room to play.
It’ll most likely end in explosions and chaos.

But how can we tell?
We're just trying to explore. After all, we are young and willing to find things out.
But curiosity just fogs up our lenses, until our vision is so blurred we can't even see what we're doing in front of our faces anymore.
We search and search, until we find ourselves not even looking at the person before our eyes, but seeing through their flesh and into the combat inside their bodies. And I think that is what attaches us; the fact that we get so close to their real selves that it’s too far to turn back.

And we know it's bad for us, of course we know. We're teenagers, not babies.
But like most things that are not good for us, we do them simply to acquire a hint excitement in our dreadful lives that seem to be excruciatingly dull.
The whole "journey to the middle of their souls" is what gives us the thrill. It’s like unwrapping one of those presents that have so much paper, you can never seem to finish tearing up.

Then again, it could be our masochistic selves just taking another jab at our hearts.

I mean, isn't it? Stop me if I'm rambling (too late), but as teenagers it seems as though we always find a way to screw things up for ourselves without even knowing it. The countless “this would happen to me” ‘s or the “I knew it” ‘s, it is like they never end, even though we see it coming. Somehow deep inside of us, we know that this will eventually turn out to be horrible. But like I said, we love to send our consciousness to the back of our heads to shut up so we can have some fun.

And in the end, we always just hit ourselves in the head and repeat how stupid we are, then do it all over again when we see the guy across us dazing off into the darkness of his mind.

But I'm Just A Kid...

Boom Boom Bang, I got the fire.

I’ve recently fallen in love with Ke$ha. I think it might be because she sounds like she’s wasted while she speaks. Even though she’s not.

And I kind of admire those people who aren’t afraid to show they’re damaged.
People like Courtney Love or …I don’t know, Amy Winehouse. You know; screw ups.
Because they don’t cover up their vulnerability like most of us do. They don’t put some tough armor on and doubt every accusation they receive.
They simply say, “Here I am, I’m messed up. I’m a drunk. Don’t feel like hiding it.” And I truly admire their brave souls.

It is hard to show who we really are. One of the reasons being we’re so afraid of judgment. One of our biggest fears is being conceived as someone we are not. Having our soul out in the open for everyone to glare at and look into and make up what they want to.
So, we shield ourselves. Something we learned when we were merely tots. When that kid called us a “nose picker” or “infested with cooties”.
We automatically went into this state. Going into our own selves and staying there because it felt safe.
That’s what we believed was the right thing to do. After all, it is our body’s natural response.

When we get older, we resort to things that make us feel better. Good and bad.
Drinking, drugs, food, they’re all things that make us feel protected. Like our soul is buried so far deep that we can’t even see it ourselves. So nobody else can see it right?
It’s weird, huh? Things we obtain as children that we carry around with us forever?
I mean, it’s all about the foundation.
If a kid doesn’t have a good ground, they have nothing. You can’t teach someone manners, or that “sharing is caring” at eighteen. Our brains are pretty much done molding by then. It’s simply finished. And everything we have collected has been stored. So we just do it. Either out of habit or just unconsciously.

Gimme boom boom bang.

The thing about us is that we never do grow up. I mean, we take responsibility for ourselves eventually, but do we ever wake up in a business suit, or to find we’re three times our size?
It’s all a gradual process that is…fairly hard.
Hell, some people don’t even grow up.
Yea, we’ve all seen those adults who are…children. Obnoxious and immature, those who empower you by yelling. Those are things children do. And those are people who have not gone through the process of becoming an adult.
Adult. The word is so dull isn’t it? So…black and white. The word “kid” is colorful…joyful.
Why is that anyway?

Is it really true that childhood is better than adulthood?
Sure, we get to nap and eat whatever we want and not gain weight, but if you think about it; we barely had freedom.
Hell we couldn’t even go to the bathroom without someone holding our hand. We couldn’t move two feet away from our parents in crowded places. And some kids are even attached to leeches now.
…I know.

And we longed for that freedom. All we wanted to do was wear our own heels and dresses and go out and watch as much TV as we wanted and eat as much McDonald’s as possible.
But now…we want to go back to the old days where people were changing our diapers and feeding us goo with a spoon.

And there we go again, going back into ourselves, reflecting, and trying to protect our fragile souls from growing up and getting hit.

Boom boom bang, boom boom boom bang.

Mad World.

I think intelligence is probably the most attractive feature someone can have. There really isn't anything sexier than a big brain.

I don’t understand how some people can be fine with just the looks. Just the perfect hair and six pack. They’re completely okay being left with the dull, empty space between their partner’s ears and nothing else inside but air. The conversations about nothing, the small constant wish inside them that they could have an intellectual discussion with their loved one every once in a while. How can they just live with it?

Brains to me are beautiful. I don’t look at someone and think “they’re pretty” or “they’re ugly”. I always wait until they open their mouths and fill my ears with their knowledge and personality. Or lack of.

Then they’re pretty. Or…not.
I know I'm not the only one who thinks a boy with no sense of intellect is completely unattractive.
..I hope I'm not.

The six pack, the muscles, the nice smile- it all goes away with time.
The brain is the one to go last.
That’s something I always like to remind myself.

There are too many guys with big heads.
Too many good looking men that simply don’t see anyone else around them. Sometimes literally.
I blame the girls who throw themselves at them. Come on women, have some dignity. At least it'll bring them back to Earth for a little.

I mean, do "cute" guys get that much, that they can’t even acknowledge someone who’s not unzipping their pants?
It’s insane. Good looking guys are simply un…approachable to most people.
To me- they’re just un…attractive.

Looks are mostly just an excuse to judge someone.
Just an excuse to say “what a cute couple” or “he’s too good for her”. How would people know unless they actually got to know both of them? Just by watching from outside the bubble?
And it's unbelievable what superficial things like this do to us.
Self consciousness, eating disorders, mental instability.
Just because of the way you look. Because of the way your body was made.
It’s disgusting what something as surfaced as the way your face happened to be arranged, is what really matters in this world nowadays.

There are even websites in which you must be “beautiful” to stay on it. If you’re not “pretty” enough, or what society believes is “pretty”, you get kicked off the site. Why? Cause nobody cares about your personality. Just about how big your tits are.

Like they say; It’s a mad world.
…Maybe a little too mad.

I heard from somebody today, that 99% of what we see is just fabricated by our government.
As in- we never see the truth. As in- we could be living in some constructed fairytale.
...Nightmare*

Being born into a lie, and dying with just the knowledge of misleading nothings, can you believe that?
Being told that all I know is…manufactured, took me by surprise. It’s one of those things you keep far in the back or your mind, but don’t really acknowledge until it’s mentioned. And when it is... you just say "oh wow."

For all we know, we could be hooked up to machines in a lab somewhere in space. Being controlled by stiffs in lab coats.
And why do we have so many unsolved mysteries? Why don’t we revolt, and get mass groups of people to question the government’s actions every second of the day until our questions are answered?

Because people simply…leave it alone.
After all, we’ve been told our whole lives that ignorance is bliss.

Maybe that was just a lie too.

Withdrawl Symptoms of a Newlywed.

Can you believe how attached we become to some things? 
To some people?
How much we begin to love something so much we crave it constantly?

What a lot of people don't notice is that another synonym for love is need. 
Wanting someone so bad that you would do anything just to get a glimpse of their smile.
Needing that embrace, their scent, or even their voice in your presence right then and there to make you feel on top of the world. 
Soon enough the need becomes so strong, you don't even feel the same without them.
As if they're they only ones who occupy your mind. Your dreams. 
Knowing that they would be the only thing to make you feel better.
You just...need it. You need them.

Kinda sounds like a drug, doesn't it?
It's weird.
Like I said- love is a drug.
It's some kind of weird mystery that one can only know, if they try it.  
You get one taste and you crave it forever.
You never try, and curiosity just embodies you.
It's hard to think rationally when you've only got it in your system.

Eh it's dumb.
There's no concrete definition for love anyway. Every single person wants, feels, and gives love differently.

I don't get people who have the nerve to tell you you're not in love.
Why aren't you, because it doesn't match their description?
It shouldn't. Why would we even want our love to be the same as everyone else's anyway?

But enough of this love crap.

My hair's getting long.
I feel like rapunzel. Considering my hair was up to my ears a year ago.
It's the Florida humidity.

Isn't it scary how our appearance changes so quickly?
Well, they say these are the years our looks form and mold the most.
That's why it's the hardest. 
We don't look the same as we did a year ago. Or even 6 months ago.
This is what contributes to our "teenage identity crisis."
The whole "you're still finding out who you are."
Maybe I just want to be sure already.
I know I'm sick of considering who to be everyday.
Hell, there's a million directions this could go.

We all dislike that paniked feeling, wondering if you'll ever figure out who you actually are. Who you're meant to be.
Apparently it all falls into place in our 17's. For girls at least.
We all know it takes longer for guys to mature. They won't stop changing until they hit 20.
I know right? What a drag.
Yep, they'll still be unstable and confused for a long while.

Well how can we blame them? It's not like as girls we ever know what we want. One second we're happy, the next we're having the worst day, then all of a sudden we need chocolate.
All guys need, is video games and beer.
And us of course.
We provide most of their entertainment and cause of thought process.
What would they do without our mind games?

The thing they don't know is that most of the time, we don't even do it on purpose. We don't realize we torture them mentally.
It's like toying with them is built into us, and we only use it when we need to. 
Most of us don't enjoy it, although it is sometimes nessesary.

We're a rather complicated species.
And I think guys aren't as simple as we like to think they are.
Think about it; they've got all the pressure.

It's hard to be a guy. They have to act like what is socially acceptable.
(sigh) blame society.

A guy has to carry his family name, he has to have a bunch of kids and marry, and then he has to provide for that family.
A man without a job, isn't acceptable to themselves. It never was. Even with women making the money nowadays,  a man would still feel shameful without at least contributing to some of the funds. 

Then again being a woman sure isn't easy. I think everyone knows that.
Especially with all the PMS rants we have about how hard it is to be a girl.
We have to give birth, take care of the kids, go through pain every single month. We have to look good, in order to be approachable. We have to go through terrible mood swings that attack at the worst times. 

It's tough being human, isn't it?
Sometimes I just wish I could be a cat.
I'd eat, sleep, explore. Every single day of my life would just consist of those three things which seem to be euphoric to teenagers.
And all I would have to worry about would be which lizard I'd be chasing that day.
No boy problems, no mood swings, no identity crisis. Just lizards.