Tiny Hearts

You love when you love and you grieve when you grieve. 

When love is the most potent feed from which you're getting your oxygen, your drugs, you will love as hard as you can. 

Until the next fix. 

The next high. 

And you shouldn't feel foolish for doing it. 

I have written peppy delusional love songs about men I now see as demonic. 

There's a reason music is revolved around the rise and fall of love. 

i.e: "Love is great I wanna die in your arms"

"You broke my heart I want to smash your windshield blah blah"

You see, love is really the most easily accessed drug you can get. And it's as detrimental as it is euphoric. How? 

From what I've experienced, one of the most destructive behaviors someone could portray is being dependent on love. Yes, love should come from yourself first, but some people need to numb their thoughts by finding comfort in other people's company. There's nothing wrong with seeking companionship from friends during a hard time or support from family, but  when you find yourself scoping for anyone to date, you might have a problem.  

Faking Love

Faking love and thinking it's real love is just as big of a crime to yourself as rolling around in glass and then running a marathon. 

Don't get me wrong, in my younger years I faked loving some guys either because they were popular or gave me a thrill (see: high school) 

But when you get older you learn quality is much better than quantity...hopefully (see: sugar babies or hoes).

Experiencing real love is like having that first drag of really good weed that confirms everything you've had before is just complete shit. Or a really good tiramisu for the non smokers. 

As I got older I found there was a huge difference between those I was merely attracted to, and those I adored. And yes, there is a HUGE difference.

Adoration VS Attraction

I feel like society tells women it's not okay to be sexual beings and that if we are seeking platonic relationships, we might as well be hookers. So we fool ourselves into thinking every man we want is "the one". Because we want to kiss them so we must want a future with them right? This is how fake love comes to be in many of our lives. We're scared to be seen as shallow or "gross" for just liking the way a guy looks so we put reason behind it. We're conditioned as women to think this way when it really isn't the case.  

I believe that if a sexual relationship is consensual, respectful, and communicative, there is nothing wrong with it. 

If you are both seeking the same thing and are being smart about it, it shouldn't be seen as something "gross". Just like men having one night stands at bars isn't gross to most of the population (see: every guy ever)

I cannot stress safety enough though. Don't be dumb. (see: rape or teenage pregnancy) . The best part is you won't be fooling yourself, or anyone else. There, fake love is no longer a problem. 

I know I felt such a sense of power when I could finally separate attraction and adoration. I used to think everyone I was attracted to was the love of my life just because I wanted them. I didn't realize that tuning out the sound of their voice meant I didn't actually like them. And forcing love is as bad as faking it just for the "high". Trust me, you'll get a much better high knowing you won't have to listen to him talk about his xbox games after. 

What about Real Love?

When it came to real love, I tried to avoid doing a half assed job about it. 

I didn't give attention to those I knew I wouldn't bare my soul to (see: platonic relationship) but I gave my whole heart to those I felt I connected deeply with. 

Love is meant to be felt strongly. Whether you're in love or falling out of it, don't feel crazy for feeling it hard. If you want to fake love, fake it. If you want to dive in for the whole chalupa, do it! But don't lie to yourself. Be aware. From what I've learned, it's essential to know if you're in it for the cookie, the company, or the long haul. And don't feel like an idiot if it all goes wrong. At least you'll know you did the best you could, were truthful to yourself, and felt everything with all of your heart. 

Ghost

Isn't it insane, that we can recycle people in our lives?
I mean think about it.
We can replace them, re-use them, use the remnants of them to benefit our lives?

I always thought that concept was so incredible.
Treating a person like....cardboard.

If I think of my life a year ago, I had completely different friends, love life, and I didn't even associate with the things I do now.

Is that a part of growing up or is it just our mentality?

People I used to text, call, every single day, are now complete strangers I check up with on Facebook once a year.

People I used to open my entire life to, see every hour of the day, plan to spend forever with, have disappeared as if our story had never happened.

As if our lives are one long book and that chapter has been backspaced out of existence.

People don't understand why adolescence and young adulthood is so hard but what they don't keep in mind is we're always recycling.

Changing friends, lovers, minds.

We're not at the phase of life yet where we can even envision hold onto something forever. Where we can exchange vows, find stability in groups, know who and what we are. Where someone disappearing IS out of the ordinary.

This is the period where we are just replacing, re-using and taking bits and pieces of our mistakes to help make our lives less troublesome.

That was a weird metaphor.

Fearless

I look at the moon differently now.

That’s a thing.

I used to just glance at it, only noticing it if it was full or in that weird big yellow harvest stage.

But now I just stare at it for hours. Even when it’s a small insignificant sliver in the sky barely emitting any light.

I guess I just wonder if you see it too, from wherever you are.

As if in that moment that I’m looking at it, you are too. And maybe we’re together for that  one instant. 

I know it’s stupid.

I know it’s irrational and exaggerated and overly romanticized.

But that’s how I am now. Is this what they say love does to you?

I cry in movies now.

That was never a thing.

I used to enjoy love stories and envy them, maybe feel sad for the characters sometimes.

Now I practically live through them,

As if everything they’re going through is my problem, my life, and I have to cry about it.

I bump into things a lot now.

I guess my mind is always somewhere else, somewhere with you.

My mind is weeks ahead, to when I’m with you again, falling asleep next to you, giggling when you call me beautiful.

Those thoughts are worth the bruises.

I find myself caring more about myself now.

You give me a reasons to appreciate myself, since someone as awesome as you has decided to spend so much time with me and even find me kind of awesome.

As weird as it sounds, it feels like my heart permanently beats a little faster now.

I’m always in this antsy high where I wait for your texts, and then get so giddy when I see your name on my phone. It gets worse when I see you’re calling me and I’m about to hear your voice.

Are you listening to this? I’m a wreck.

I’m a nervous, antsy, emotional, overly-romanticizing, ooey gooey, giddy wreck.

And I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Me Trying To Be A Psychologist

I think it's so easy to just be hardened and cold. I mean if you think about it, it's simple to turn off your emotions and block out the world. But what I never understood was why nobody ever brings up that it's actually harder to live life being vulnerable. Because being vulnerable...hurts like hell.

Letting yourself feel can be so overwhelming. Love, happiness, depression, anger, frustration, joy these are all emotions we humans go through that can be amplified to 100 percent. Sometimes almost too much for our bodies to handle.

Being in love can give you the greatest high, and getting your heart broken can bring on the most excruciating pain. Sure one can run away from these feelings, just stow them in the back of their mind and move on, but isn't it braver to actually go through them as huge as they are? All of those sad souls who float through life claiming to be stronger than everyone else just because they don't show or address their pain…I just don't get it.

Because it's so simple to just pass by life not acknowledging anything you feel, not connecting with anybody or even yourself. Hell, I used to do it. My emotions used to be as easy as turning off a light switch. But it was miserable. I didn't enjoy anything, and I never really remembered many moments because I didn't let myself be in them. I was too scared to let myself go and be present at risk of getting hurt. I didn't realize I was prolonging my suffering by not letting myself connect or enjoy anything. That's no way to live.

And I learned over time, that nobody should ever be ashamed of their emotions. We shouldn't even question them, everyone has them! We shouldn't ask ourselves why we feel depressed after something sad happens or why we feel anxious before we have to do something scary. That's how we are programmed, we are the way we are. Yeah some are more socially awkward than others, some are more joyous, more paranoid, harsher, more sensitive, but none of it is wrong or right. It's just what makes us who we are. 

It's all normal! And anyone who tells you it's not, is wrong. The ones who say "get over it already", they don't know what goes through your thought process or how you internalized what's happening. 

And that's what really makes us question whether or not it's okay to feel, is how others react to our pain. The person who cried in front of her parents and never got any sympathy will most likely see showing emotion as a sign of weakness because of the cold reaction they got repeatedly.

Doesn't mean crying is weak.

And what nobody really mentions is that it takes a lot of training to tell yourself that it showing emotion isn't shameful if you've faced your whole life having people minimize and ignore yours. 

I think it's strong and beautiful to allow yourself to feel and open your heart. To be able to live every moment as it is fully…that's what we're here on earth for. To get the whole experience. It's must be terrible to just float through life letting every person and experience pass you by, avoiding contact and connection with people all because it might hurt too much in the long run. And I know. 

I've let myself fully love and get hurt, and as much as it sucked and felt like someone was driving a knife through my chest every day once the pain followed the insane high of love, I was so relieved that I was able to feel that love. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not going to pretend like I'm made of stone. And nobody else should. I've been hurt and cried daily, ate like an insane person, got depressed, then went through a healing process and got happy again. That's life, why should we even try to hide it and act like it doesn't happen to everyone?

And yes it's okay to be closed off after we get hurt, it's our natural reaction to protect ourselves. But to prolong the numbness and distant behavior for years to avoid more scarring just does not do us any good. Because just like happiness passes, so does pain.

Eventually pain always seems like it was so small. Like it wasn't even all that bad because things are better in your current state. Like when you think back to a time you scraped your knee in the playground. You probably cried so much when it happened. You were scared, and in so much pain. And now, you don't even remember the pain. You tell that story as if it were any other story.

And I think if we can look at a horrible phase from the past as just that, a story from the past, then anything we go through today can be seen the same way.

I look back at some hellish moments of my life that were the lowest, most unstable times, like they're so small now. Pain only seems amplified while it's happening because it's relevant. But when it's not anymore, it's like everything we went through wasn't so bad.

And I think we need to remind ourselves that everyone goes through hardships. Nobody is more scarred than the other, nobody is more troubled than the other and nobody has been hurt more than the other. We all feel differently, think diversely and have different ways of dealing with situations and feelings. Someone's idea of life ending could be as drastic as the death of a close one, or a low grade on a test. 

But I don't know, I don't even know what my point is. I just don't want to see anyone living their life in closed off numbness thinking it's benefitting them, because it's probably not.

I know that it is scary to feel. It's terrifying to let yourself have your emotions out on the table for anyone to pick at, step on, or nurture. But it's also the beauty of life. It's the beauty of relationships. It's what gives everything dynamic and fun and contrast.

And those who are vulnerable are not weak, just the opposite. They're the brave ones. The ones who endure the overwhelming highs and lows of life with courage. 

Speaking of your emotions openly shows self awareness. I just hate that society has formed this opinion that the one who talks about their feelings is whiny and overly sensitive while the one who stows them in the back of their minds could handle anything. Like that cliche "the superhero never cries". They forget to leave out that superheroes aren't human.

Because shutting yourself off to protect yourself forever…that's running away. It may soothe you shortly but before you know it, you could be looking at your life as one big grey blur that you voluntarily missed out on just because you didn't want to face some tiny bumps in the road.

What is life without intimacy, without being smitten with happiness from an amazing night or crying your eyes out over an ended relationship or terribly anxious over a huge life change?
It's all just one big scary roller coaster, and I think that the ones who willingly sit in the front row and brace themselves for the ride are the most courageous souls of all.

Me? No You.

I think the world would be a much better place if people listened more to one another. If individuals contributed to the world, without only focusing on what they'd benefit from it.

I mean think of the things it would accomplish; world hunger, poverty, depression.

Isn't most depression caused by people feeling neglected and not wanted? I'm not saying depression is controllable- it is a disease-but it's certainly not questionable why the parents who become consumed with their own lives don't notice that their child is suicidal, or abusing drugs.

Neglect and narcissism is what has caused so many of the world's problems. It explains why millions are starving and homeless, left without health insurance or clean water. It's why the 99% even exists.

What if we weren't concerned about our own money, our own well-being, our own happiness…would we focus our attention on helping others achieve that?

It's okay to care for oneself, of course it is. We need to be alive and well before we can help others, before we can be an active part of others' lives. But why is it that when we have all of this - health, happiness, security - we still feel the need to keep everything for ourselves? Is it not enough to just be doing fine in order to turn our attention outwards? Has this world conditioned us to think that if we're not at the top, nobody else deserves to be? It's like we always need better and more.

What we need is more humbleness in this world. More people who are accepting of other's help, who care more about contributing, and who can stop the greedy tendencies to give a share to someone who needs it. We could use more people who don't spend their time inflating their heads with ideas that they are the most powerful human beings.

Obviously we shouldn't give all of our money away to any person we see on the street, but when we see those commercials of african children dying of hunger, what makes most of America change the channel and say "someone else can do it, I need my money."?

Because first of all, if you're even watching television you sure don't need the money as much as a person without a parcel to eat does.

I hope most of you reading this are saying "I give to charity all the time" and I do commend you for that, it is an honorable deed that we should all perform if we have the means to.

But what if we look at something less dramatic, something we deal with daily? Like helping out a friend who needs a ride, or lending someone fifty cents to buy lunch, or even sitting to listen to your classmate talk about her never-ending fascination with sloths? Why do we do these things, why should people care about others?

If you were a narcissist, you'd say "I don't care and I wouldn't do those things because I don't get anything out of it." and you'd probably end up being very alone and troubled for a long part of your life. Because let's face it, nobody wants to be around a person who doesn't make them feel good in some way or another.

It's not rewarding to be around someone who doesn't give back to what you've been giving, who doesn't listen to the one word you say when you've spent the other 90% of the time listening to them. We learn that in basic psychology, there needs to be some sort of balance in all of the relationships we have. If all we do is sit and listen to the other person blab for three hours about themselves and then watch them look around the room carelessly once we open our mouths to speak, what makes us want to pick up the phone and say "let's totally do that again?" it's not satisfying and it's just exhausting. Because we're not robots, and we're all looking for pleasure and affection. 

But we're getting off topic.

I personally think that being caught up in oneself is redundant and self destructive. I mean, hello! We've known ourselves our entire lives. We spend every waking moment with ourselves so why wouldn't we want to invite someone else into the picture? I'm sure we can spare one moment of being with our old selves to share an experience with another human being. To distract us from the person that has become boring to pay attention to by now. We need to ask questions, have conversations, build relationships.

Because as human beings, we're social creatures. That is the way it has always been. From the tightly knitted villages in the old times to the "circle of friends" social networking sites now, we've always been accustomed to having relationships with others.

We're not meant to be alone, we're not made to stay in a room with ourselves isolated for all eternity and shouldn't wonder why people who do that become depressed and suicidal. Interaction is necessary.

We're meant to make ties with other people, share our lives, and invite them into ours. We're supposed to talk, smile, laugh, acknowledge others.
What's the point of life if we don't share it with at least one other person? If we keep everything to ourselves and look straight ahead, just thinking about our own lives, how can others give us knowledge?

I believe someone who is egoistic is ignorant. I don't understand how they could possibly be that knowledgable if the only thing they know is their own life, and their own needs.

Growing up, my family always taught me to be open minded, and to never judge others. To always open myself up to learning about someone else's ways and ask questions and be inviting because that is what expands your mind.

What if we all lived by these words?

Hell, there'd be no such thing as racism, antisemitism, homophobia. Because the causes of all of that are simple; egoism. By only having the knowledge about one's own life, one's own religion, one's own opinions. If we never ask questions about anybody else, how are we supposed to expand our minds? How the hell are we supposed to understand another lifestyle if we only know our own and don't make any efforts to learn about theirs?

Contributing and caring about others' lives is what makes the world go round. That's what takes society forward.

Only when we open our own hearts to the world can we hold someone else's and absorb all the knowledge it has to offer. And that's what life is all about. Caring for other people and letting others care for you. You can't do it alone and shouldn't try to.

The world needs less Scrooges and Hitlers, and needs more Gandhis and Dalai Lamas. Hell, maybe not even Gandhis…just people who aren't so caught up in their own nonsense about their money, looks, and materials.

Nobody wants to spend their time listening to you indulge about your shoe collection or the fact that you have all these "cool skills and money" that you want to keep for yourself. Because life needs balance. You need to give as much as you take. You need to listen to others when they listen to you, and you need to contribute to the world that has brought you all of the things you love.

Because we've all read the Christmas story and we know what happens to Scrooge. We've read the history books and know what has happened to Hitler.

Go be a John Lennon and write a song about peace that the world still sings decades later.

Next time you're with someone just ask. Absorb some knowledge and insight about their lives. Learn something about the endless diversity of our world. Contribute, care.

Because if we died tomorrow, we'd sure as hell be happier leaving this Earth knowing that we made the world a little bit better just by being the open minded, loving person we can be.

Cause He Told Me To.

Society kind of scares me now. The way the media controls everything. I mean, the president of the United States is doing appearances on Jay Leno, random individuals are becoming internationally famous for performing dumb acts for attention, and the pressure to be perfect is higher than ever.

I hate to say it, but our generation is one of image obsession and self hate. The amount of self hate I see in people shocks me. It has become almost normal to hate one's own body, sexual orientation, or just think they're not worth anyone's time. What ever happened to being content with oneself? Just being carefree and fine? Is it that out of fashion? 

Every time I turn the TV on I see another person committing suicide because they hate themselves too much to even live. I see artists such as Demi Lovato speaking out about their eating disorders, claiming they used to go to extremes by putting their own bodies through hell just to "fit in".

What I think, a lot of people are afraid to stand out.
I learn a lot about the ways humans function and one universally known fact is that we all want to fit the norm. It can actually make a person feel insane if they are not responding or acting the way the rest of the world is. As if there is something wrong with them. Some of you may think "yeah right, I love being different." but do you?

What if everyone in the world were a human and you were a giant green monster? When you'd look in the mirror you'd see your green face and body, all the things that indicate you're different. Yeah you might try to own it, but how would you feel standing in a crowd of normal sized, good looking humans?
Awesome? Confident? Accepted?

That is how all these outcasts feel. They feel like the big green monsters in our world because everyone else lets it happen. No one's accepting of what's on the inside anymore, or even bother to get to know someone unless they fit the "social norm". We've become a superficial world where women who make sex tapes become the highest grossing people in America and even role models to young girls. It's no wonder everyone hates themselves, everything we see and hear about is people becoming famous and rich based off of looks and dumb gimmicks instead of talent or intelligence. 
If you don't appear perfect, you won't catch anyone's attention. If you're not the best or the prettiest, you're not good enough. This is what we're teaching this next generation; that what's on the outside matters more than anything else. That there is always something wrong with us, something better to be.

We turn on the TV to hear about never ending wars and hate crimes. I guess it'd be weird to live in a world where everything is perfect but right now, we're turning into that scary stereotype of a ruined society we see in those post apocalypse movies. The industrial wasteland whose values have been robbed.
So it's no surprise everyone has distorted views on everything now. It's all shallow and dull opinions.

I mean our president...was on The View. Talking about a reality show.

And I've also noticed that our world lacks people who embrace the fact that they're not like everyone else. There aren't enough individuals who are brave enough to march to the beat of their own drum anymore. Can we blame them?
I mean the drop in people who are brave enough to throw their middle finger in the air and go their own way has decreased. Mostly because of all the people telling them it is wrong to do so. The bullies.
And that doesn't just mean those kids in school who take your lunch money. So many people in the world are bullies and many people don't even see it.

For example you could be a big green monster in a middle school but if all the kids smiled at you and invited you to all their birthday parties, then what's the problem? You'd obviously think you're accepted even though you might be a little different because people aren't acting any differently towards you.
But we live in a world of judgement and hate unfortunately and in reality, the green monster gets made fun of, tormented, and alienated by the others for being different.
Which is no wonder he may think that who he is is not right. I mean there must be something wrong with him if nobody wants to talk to him or invite him anywhere, right? If people judge him just by looking at him?

That's where all these suicides come in. Because of all these close minded people having the nerve to make others believe that they aren't worth any space in this place. All because of who they like, what their religion is, the way they dress or act.
And that is why this generation is falling into a never ending pit of self hate and bullying each other.
Yeah, we all feel like the big green monsters at one point in our lives during puberty or what have you, but others reassuring us that we're not as "good as they are" only distorts our view of ourselves more. And it doesn't help that the media stresses us to fulfill a certain role either. I mean these models are getting skinnier and skinnier, now it's fashionable to look starving. Why can't fuller looking women do high fashion? I mean if you were to look at pictures of the woman who was considered the most beautiful woman alive in the 50's: Marilyn Monroe, she had the body of a normal looking woman. Yes, she was gorgeous, but I don't think women would look at a picture of her and throw up their lunch.
Why? Because she wasn't imaginary. She wasn't impossible. And people were actually intrigued by her because of her interesting personality, not because she had a pretty face.

Now you hear stories in the news about models dying of starvation.
Dying by preference, of something that people are paying millions of dollars to end in Africa.

So why should we wonder that more teens are becoming depressed now more than ever?
They're being told by everyone around them that they're not good enough. They're not special. They're not skinny, they're not pretty, they're not smart, they're not talented. Not only by the people around them but by the things that surround them.
Soon enough it can eat someone alive, when they look in the mirror and loathe the person staring back at them.
Who do you think taught them to hate that person?
We have enough self conscious and socially awkward people just trying to figure out who they are, hell that's all high school is.

The last thing teens need are more people making it seem like those years of torment are what's expecting them for the rest of their lives. Cause it's not. Believe it or not, life goes on after high school. It goes on for a long while after that stupid place. You probably won't even see those bullies ever again. Which is why it pains me to see these young people ruining their lives when they're merely children, before they even get to live. Nobody is there to tell them that these are only four short years out of their long lives and that it gets better. We're all conditioned to believe that life is one big struggle. Nobody lives in the forests naked anymore or gather in giant fields for festivals. It's all stress and anguish and surviving day by day.


I mean sure, there are those celebrities who make webcasts blowing kisses to those suffering from depression and then they return to their lives, but they don't know what anyone personally goes through.

So if you see someone in need just be a friend, or just smile, or just
don't participate in bullying. It's just not necessary. And the easiest thing to do which nobody seems to believe, is to just be accepting. Just to… not hate. To not discriminate or make another person feel like they aren't worthy.

Because if people put the same amount of energy into being nice that they use making someone's life hell and focusing entirely on their own image, I really think the world would be a much more pleasant place to live.

Just Want Some Satisfaction.

Reciprocation.
Big word for such a simple meaning- just doing the same amount for someone as they do for you.
Doesn't sound so hard right?

I never understood how some people can take advantage of others. Whether it's their love, their advice, even their gifts.

In fact, some may say that that sort of selfishness is a sign of immaturity.
I guess I agree. I mean at some point in our lives whether we're 3 or 30 years old, we all have moments when we completely block out someone trying to help us, or overlook the effort our friends or families make for our needs.
Moments, I can understand. Constant resentment, not so much.

I mean, the best feeling in the world is feeling appreciated for the effort we make for others, right?
And the worst is, well…feeling the opposite. Forgotten, taken advantage of, used up.

And usually when we feel those emotions, we retract. We no longer want to be around the source of those bad feelings or the people or things making us feel them.
So, we get away from them. Not only because of the exhaustion from providing so much and getting nothing in return, but also because of the frustration those people soaking up our kindness bring to us.

Who wants to give someone everything when they don't even give an ounce of appreciation in return? It's quite discouraging, I'd say.

I always say, in a friendship or relationship, there should be reciprocation. I mean, those are what relationships thrive on, don't they? If everything was one sided, the person giving would grow sick and tired, and the person receiving would become overwhelmed. That's why everything functions so well when there's balance. That's why it works when we give back, and make efforts for our loved ones or tell them how much we appreciate what they do for us. Even if it is something as small as running an errand.
Because as humans, we adore satisfaction. Hell, it's what we rely on. We love feeling loved, and needed, and most of all appreciated.
That's our fuel for giving to the world, and that's what will always keep us contributing to making our loved ones happy and satisfied.